02/24/2020

Thoughts that I wasn’t happy to have:

• I feel like I spend a lot of time in my head. I think of too many situations which results in paranoia. Why do I feel as if people are conspiring against me?
• Dark cloud of suicidal ideations always following me
• When something really triggers me, I escape the real world and dissociate. Everything feels so unreal. And because I can’t grasp what is real and what isn’t, I fall into a neverending hole of depression
• Trazodone helps me feel sleepy but it doesn’t help the issue of me waking up numerous times during the night
• I’m always tired, always wanting a nap. Always yawning. Falling asleep in class. When driving, I close my eyes just to feel some what rested
• Concentrating is difficult. My mind is constantly racing, especially when I am really depressed. Studying takes me forever because I get so distracted. Then I start hating myself for being so distracted
• Paranoia -> feelings of inadequacy. I can’t trust people or what they say. I feel as if they’re lying just to please me
• When I am feeling better, I’m just paranoid and waiting until I fall back into a deep depressive episode. I feel like I have to cram everything into this short span of feeling good so that when I am depressed, I don’t have to worry about so many things
• Biggest issues: just feeling out of touch with reality. Everything feels so fake. It makes me even more depressed because I can’t even wrap my head around these feelings. I cry for hours and hours. It makes me want to kill myself

02/25/2020

Well. I got diagnosed with Bipolar 2 Disorder. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I always kinda knew that I had this disorder but no one ever took me seriously. Everyone was just telling me that I was trying to give myself illnesses just for the fucks of it. But like no, I know what I’m feeling. And I was right. Everything just clicked together afterward. It is lonely though. No one understands the mood changes/ euphoric feelings. Barely anyone understood the depression to begin with. It’s crazy, it feels like I have this dirty little secret. No one in my family will understand nor will they care to. I wish they would just take things seriously and not minimize my feelings.

This diagnosis gave me clarity though. Basically, I’m not crazy! This isn’t me, it’s the disorder. But then I wonder what the fuck is life like for those who don’t have a mental illness. If I have all these crazy feelings and thoughts, what is it like to have a “normal” brain?

Tonight is my first night with the Trileptal. I guess we’ll see how it goes, if I notice a change or have any symptoms.

I am also going to start tracking my moods and thoughts more. It helps me not live in my head. It helps me understand exactly what I’m feeling. I guess my journey just feels like me grabbing my little monster on a leash, training it, and keeping it tamed. I want to track my journey for myself and others. When I go online, I don’t get the information that I need especially on medications. Everything is just so generic. No one talks about what you can feel. Maybe because they don’t want to influence others. But still, I would like to know how long it takes to “feel” something. 40 minutes to an hour? What can I feel besides side effects? What can improve? What can change? How long until I notice something?