My Happy Place
Currently playing: Girl From Mars by Ash
I just want to share that I was able to go to a bookstore for the first time in awhile and ugh, I had such a wonderful experience. Being able to completely immerse myself in new words, thoughts, and beliefs makes my soul sing. I am so grateful to be surrounded by people who love doing my favorite activities with me. Sometimes I like to take my friends to the cemetery with me to visit my aunt, other times I like to take them into bookstores so they can let their curiosity touch every book spine as if it were the back of their lover.
I hadn’t seen Byron since Christmas and it just felt sooo good to see my best friend. They are the epitome of a genius biologist and always answers my million and one questions about plants that I have.
I really want to take some time to search for books that are written by POC because ugh idk what it’s been lately but it’s been weighing on me so heavily that all these intellectuals that I have knowledge of are Anglo and they don’t look like me. Or when I pickup a book on my culture, it’s written by an Anglo! I learn about these great people like Friedrich Nietzsche, Émile Coué, and Neville Goddard but there’s this part inside me that just ugh, can’t enjoy it to it’s fullest because it’s not from a perspective of a POC as myself. So here I am, recommitting (one can never commit too many times) to myself and my dreams. I know my education journey is a long one but I’m so okay with that, plus it’s not something I want to rush through because that’s not what an education is. One should take their time absorbing everything while also just being a freaking human helping themselves and others. Anyways, I guess I had to stubbornly finally admit to myself that I won’t be a doctor by 17, which I’ve totally surpassed that deadline lmao. I’m literally taking this one day at a time because if I don’t, well, I’m just not in the mood to mess up my mental health for something so obvious. My point being, I’m committing to not kill myself because I owe it to all the children of color who are just looking for someone to relate to. It’s difficult to believe in oneself when all you ever experienced is years of oppression and silence. But I want to be that example for the kids, that my Brown self from the Mission was able to pursue a higher education and become that long last name that no one can pronounce in all those scientific journals. I’m just lucky enough to even be able to be in a position where I am able to have control over my life. I may have a faulty brain but it functions, and I love it. Every time I start to doubt myself, I just remind myself that there are kids doing the same thing and that breaks my heart. I have such a strong connection to children and I truly believe it’s because I’m the adult (isn’t that so weird, I’m a grown woman now lmao. I’m responsible 😂) in their life that remembers what it’s like to be a kid just wanting to be understood. My freaking niece told me that she gets sad when I leave her house because no one around her knows what’s it like to be a kid besides myself. And then she broke my heart even further telling me that all she does is go on her phone after I leave because she gets bored. Like ugh don’t tell me that! Which is also why I’m making more of an effort to be even more present in their lives because well, I’m their example and we bring each other fulfillment.
^see that whole section is just some tangible example of how my brain goes from point A to point 13. Moving forward…
My bookstore haul:
- Mysteries of The Mexican Pyramids by Peter Tompkins
- Random House Webster’s Quotationary by Leonard Roy Frank
- Control by Janet Jackson CD
- Age Ain’t Nothing But A Number by Aaliyah CD
- Marvin Gaye Gold by Marvin Gaye
- A word search book for my mom
- A notebook with a Van Gogh cover (for my Polaroids and magazine cutouts)
My kind gremlin had a sleepover with me this past weekend and it revitalized me. He keeps me on my toes lol. He’s taught me so much patience, grace, and the true meaning of clear communication. He was in bed with me watching his favorite show as I did my notes and listened to this talk from Dr. Joy DeGruy Leary (below).
As I’ve immersed myself in my favorite subjects, I’ve also been mindful of the fact that in order to truly be knowledge in a subject, you must be able to explain it to a toddler. So it just works out so perfectly that I get to practice explaining what I am learning to a 5 year old. Despite what one might think, it gets a little difficult learning how to simplify epigenetics, neuroplasticity, neuropsychopharmacology, and spirituality to a human who holds no concepts to what any of these words even me. Which is exactly my point, knowledge shouldn’t be dressed up in words that most people don’t understand, it needs to be laid out in the most simplest way so that all brains can absorb the information. So that’s what I’ve been practicing as of lately. I’m learning to be patient though. I get frustrated with myself for not having everything down in seconds and I realize how completely draining it is to constantly be hard on yourself, never letting yourself breathe in between of society’s criticisms. Omg! Another thing! I just pray for the day that parents realize that their kids are literally mini versions of them and that they mirror all that you do. It just makes me sad when my nephew tells me that he gets bullied at school like ugh cmon, how annoying is that. And I have no clue what to tell him besides the truth, that the kids are only mean to him because they are unhappy with themselves which isn’t their fault, there’s just so many behind the scenes things going on that can reveal the meaning behind the bullies actions if one just took the time to sit with the kid and actually talk to them like a responsible soul.
Okay my brain got its words out for the night. Thanks for being alive 💗
Shoutout to everyone in my life who lets me talk my thoughts out. It soothes me.
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2 years
Tagged connection, love, slowing down