Currently playing, “Changes” by H.E.R.

“To love somebody is not just a strong feeling — it is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise. If love were only a feeling, there would be no basis for the promise to love each other forever. A feeling comes and it may go.” — Erich Fromm

“To truly love we must learn to mix various ingredients – care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication.” — Bell Hooks

When I ask myself, “what am I looking for in regards to my dating life?” I would say… someone I may give myself to. Someone loyal and doesn’t waver. A lover and best friend in a life partner. Someone I can share all my layers with. We change together through life and share true devotion with one another. I simply want to be enganging in sexual healing with one person. Someone to be my emergency contact in case anything happens to me at work (elementary schools are wild ya know). Someone who listens to their heart speak. Definitely a committed monogamous relationship. Someone to build a life and family with. Kick ass life partners!!!!!

What if I simply wanted to be that “special girl” in his life and heart? I hear the judgemental voices in my head say that isn’t a valid want. That my purpose in life is more than that. And well, no fucking shit my purpose in life is NOT just to be someone’s special person. But it is amazing and nice to know that thee special person that I love feels the same way about me. And there is no questioning that. No judgmental voices (internal or external) can take that knowing away.

I’ve been single for about 4 years now! Flings and a lover here and there. These past few years I wasn’t really focused on dating. I was focused on my mental health (bipolar disorder, ADHD, and cutting out my dad from my life), my career, caring for my great grandma and the kids in my family/work, and grieving my best friend Maya. I’ve also learned about my undiagnosed Autism in these 4 years which is a whole separate blog post. When I was younger, I was much more sexually active. As I’ve gotten older, sigh, I truly just want to be sexually active with ONE person. I know, wild lol.

I, of course, still have these never ending urges to have sex and I could get that filled easily. At the same time, I am NOT looking for instant gratification. I just feel so lame having sex with guys who can’t even buy me flowers! I know that sounds so “small” to some but coming from a woman who guys typically like simply because of my body, I’m missing out on the affection and heart desire ya know. I am a lover of details and the little things, like tokens of affection! I am not rushing to date anyone. All I know is, in any type of connection (platonic and romantic), emotions, feelings, and executive functioning skills are included on both sides. We’re human, we have them for a reason!

I suppose I’m so adamant on sharing this blog post because by knowing what I want and saying it out loud, I don’t become a shell of a person who just adapts to what a person gives her. It helps me to share my thoughts out loud, especially via writing. I’m able to express myself freely without second guessing. And that state of second guessing myself happens quite often. At least I know that my besties want the best for me and they want someone for me that is one step above greatness.

Reflecting on Hooks saying, “Love does not lead to an end to difficulties, it provides us with the means to cope with our difficulties in ways that enhance our growth,” I’m able to see clearly that I am lucky to know love so early on in my life. I’ve come to share genuine love with wonderful platonic friends.

When thee special person does ask me to be his girlfriend, I WILL BE OFF THE SINGLE STREETS YALL!!!! 😆 lol. Put the pressure on! If you can’t stand the heat, stay out the kitchen. I don’t want no one from my past hitting me up (sorry not sorry if you get blocked). I’ll be tuning out the outside noise. I’d like the space and time to focus on my one special human. To dedicate time to one another in ways that we weren’t able to do so previously. I find that I share my love with so many people (as how life is meant to be) that the one special thing I can give to my person that is different than other guys I’ve talked to, is my focus & dedication. And I so look forward to that. Y’all, I’m a hopeful joyful optimist. I’ve already created my future wedding playlists!

Remember as the great duo Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock said, “it takes two to make a thing go right. It takes two to make it outta sight.”

Some light reading material that explains love ethic: https://www.rebootthefuture.org/news/living-by-the-love-ethic

XoXo,

Alexis Mariah <3