To little Alexis, I am so sorry I couldn’t protect you from the pain. I am sorry you never got the love and care you needed from your dad. You did not deserve to be treated the way you were treated. Your hurt is valid. It’s okay to admit that your first heartbreak was from your dad. You aren’t any less weak. You are brave. You are stronger than you know. Be patient and kind to yourself. Remember, everything in life happens for a reason. All that pain you have endured has brought you to where you are now, which is exactly where you need to be. You are safe to be exactly who you are. You are safe to make mistakes and grow from them. You are worthy of attention. You are loved for who YOU are. You are safe to recover and heal. You are healing, growing, and falling more in love with yourself daily. I am proud of you my little smarticles, you are fantastic!

I am a little bothered this morning to be quite honest. I’ve healed this big chunk of trauma in me that related to my dad but I still have little hiccups of irritants when it comes to him. I go back and forth on what I want to do about him in my life. Do I cut him off or continue to strain myself trying every which way possible to just make it work between us? Sadly, you can’t force someone to change or to see things from your perspective. I’ve accepted that. We’re both two grown adults and I no longer have to feel like I am beneath him and under his control. Despite not having lived him since I was 14, I still always felt like my father had me wrapped around his finger. And well he did. Narcissists have that power in them. They pass down their own traumas onto their victim and that’s how they keep them under their belt.

It’s pretty sick and not in a good way. It’s a power dynamic that is incredibly difficult to get out of. It’s hard not knowing where you stand with a parent. No child should ever have to feel that way. As I’ve talked about before, my relationship with my father has been ever difficult. After my parents separated, things between us just never seemed to feel right. Maybe it’s because I still harbor some anger towards him for cheating on my mom and I just can’t release that until he takes responsibility for his actions. Who knows. I do know that my feelings towards him are valid and no one can tell me how to feel or how to approach things with him. I would just appreciate it if people stopped telling me what to do.

Anyways, something I struggled with is not having my dad’s support anymore. Lol, it’s pretty fucked up when a parent has more than enough means to help their kid go to college but refuses to help them even after making promises. I know people have their own views about how someone should pay for college and that’s cool. But for me, I know that I will be helping my kids every step of the way. I would never withhold my financial or emotional support from them just because my ego is too big to get over. I have never shared this openly except with my close friends. I always feared criticism over sounding like an ungrateful spoiled little girl. But y’all, if you only freaking knew the stress of the financial struggle I have had to go through when it all could have been avoided if my dad just did his job as a freaking parent. It’s just pretty wild to me! How a parent could buy themselves this and that luxury item while their kid is just wondering how they’re going to pay for freaking college. It’s just pretty messed up. People can have their opinions on this situation but I could honestly care less. My feelings of hurt are completely valid.

*BTW, for family reading this please always remember that there always two sides to every story. Approach a narcissist with caution.*

I’m definitely not angry though and I am so proud of myself for working through that. And that doesn’t go to say that I will never feel angry about it, it just means that the pain of it no longer fully consumes me. I’ve gone great lengths to do this. One crucial thing has been literally detaching myself from everything that connects me to my dad. He has definitely helped me financially but it’s always been held over my head as if he was some god providing me life. I am ever thankful for the car he bought me and the insurance. Side note, lol okay it’s a sad but funny thing when we went to buy my car years ago, he really had the audacity to tell me, “Thank god you are my last kid so now I don’t have to buy anyone else a car.” Fast forward to this year, and now he has a new kid he has yet to tell me about. I just find it funny because of karma, bless the child though! Now he has another sperm to buy a car for lol. ANYWAYS, it isn’t easy becoming a whole adult who 100% supports themselves. The world makes it so difficult to fucking live and I am so proud of those who have managed to support themselves even in the darkest of times. I am grateful to have had my parents support this long. But now has come the time where my dad has really cut me off completely. This hurts but I already knew this was going to happen weeks before he even messaged me, I have mental gifts ya know. I know things lol.

I’m scared but I also have the utmost trust in divine timing and the power of the universe so I have decided to just not stress about all these new bills coming my way. And okay it’s not like I have a mountain, but it sure does feel like one. If you could only understand the strength it takes to not lose one’s mind during a pandemic being unemployed and now sort of freaking tf out about how they’re going to pay x amount of bills. It’s pretty scary! It’s scarier that I’m not even the only person in this world struggling over financial matters. How messed up is that billionaires are world flying all around the world leaving a huge ass carbon footprint while there are people wondering where their next meal will be coming from. Messed up!!!

Okay to be honest, I didn’t want to admit any of this to myself but it feels good. It feels good to admit to myself like girl ALEXIS, it’s okay to be hurt. It’s okay that you now have to figure out how to really adult because you’ve been doing this for longer than you even realized! I so look forward to cutting all energetic cords I have tied to my dad. One day, I’ll be able to buy my own car and give him the car he bought me back. Now that will be my big girl move, the move that makes me happy and overjoyed to physically not have anything tied to that man anymore.

I’m not sure where I want our relationship to be or go but I do know that I just need my space. I don’t have the mental capacity right now to mend things with him nor do I even really want to right now. I’m in the time of my life where I have to learn what I want to do about our relationship, separate from what society tells me to do. People always push onto you that you have to have a relationship with your parents, but you really don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. At this point, I am just pleased to be separating myself in every which way possible from that man. Look at me being independent even if it painfully hurts lol.

Also, a big realization I had is just that, I never used to feel this way. I used to never think about not having a relationship with my dad. I longed for us to be “normal” again but alas, things just didn’t work out that way. I guess I just didn’t want to accept that things wouldn’t be how they used to be. Maybe we’ll find a middle ground one day if it is so divinely guided. But for now, I have learned to accept my broken heart over the whole situation. You see, it’s not the separation of my parents that hurt me, it’s the fact that I never felt wanted enough. I didn’t receive the nurturing I needed from my dad. He, unfortunately, didn’t work through his generational trauma like I have so it got passed down to me. But here I am, breaking that chain of generational trauma!

*Times like this morning where I have to text my dad are the mornings that really make me realize how far I have come in my journey. I really just had my own father text me that I should be receiving “more than enough from unemployment” to cover the cost of my car bills. Sir, we are in a GLOBAL PANDEMIC, I haven’t received anything in over a month so please check yourself before you wreck yourself. Ugh, the audacity of that man. A perfect example of me letting myself be angry while also just brushing him off.*

It’s pretty interesting to witness how fast my emotions interchange when it comes to processing any situation I am in when it comes to my dad. Partially due to my mental illness but also partially due to me just trying to wrap my head around an ever difficult situation. I am just really sad that I have to deal with my dad because he bought me my car and that I have to receive backlash from him for that. Sorry I was born my dude, but also, be a grown adult and get the mental help you need. You can’t blame your kids for the life you chose to live.

After all this crying, I have to remind myself that this pain is just temporary. In x amount of time, these trying times with my dad will feel like nothing. His actions are never excusable but things happen how they are supposed to happen, so all I can do is take all these lessons that life throws at me in stride.

Mucho amor!

XoXo,

Alexis