Blog Posts

Oh Anxiety

Currently playing Could You Be Loved by Bob Marley

9:54p I’m happy that it’s Friday! No work tomorrow means I get to stay up late guilt free to finish one of my finals. I’ve been so nervous about it. I never cease to amaze myself when I make myself sick from all the anxiety traveling throughout my veins. This final is due on Monday by 11:59 p. I have to complete a study guide for my other final that I am taking on Tuesday. I’m not stressing too much about that final because the study guide is essentially the same as the final. I’m also not necessarily stressing out about the final I am working on right now. I am simply freaking the fuck out about well, not doing a good job on them. And if I’m being so honest, I’m getting really tired of this perfectionism chip on my shoulder! It’s exhausting. I just have no idea how to work with it rather than work against it? Is it a form of wanting control? Sigh.

Isn’t that so weird that I really have a blog? I am truly making my inner child so fucking happy, over the moon and over mars. I really just might thoroughly enjoy sharing all that is going on in my brain of mine LOL. I’m just so glad that people can relate! Okay let me get back this final, oops.

LMAO BYEEEE! I am really passing my classes this year :’) Even with all that went on this semester, I freaking did it. I’m kind of a real boss lmao. Mind you I really pulled myself out of the depression. Granted I wasn’t alone but I had to be my advocate and assert my voice. I’m pretty sure if I didn’t pull myself out of that period of depression, I would not be alive right now. I don’t think anyone wants to ever die so young but fuck, that’s all I ever felt. But I guess my ancestors were (and still are) looking out for me because they know I would much rather see my life through!

I wonder why I get so much anxiety about my schoolwork when I KNOW I’ll get it done and get good grades. I guess I’m lowkey traumatized by when I was depressed and kept dropping or failing my classes. Maybe I’m lowkey twisted because I might like stressing myself out who knows. I’m just trying to get perspective. Honestly it’s just the simple fact that I have a reactive autonomic nervous system and that’s why I am riddled with anxiety!

Aptitude

May 16th

6:13p I am so exhausted by the anxiety in my body. I’m just tired of my brain and body freaking out and overdramatizing the world. I truly cannot keep living on like this because it is absolutely draining. It’s an everyday thing having to reexplain things to myself when I automatically jump to the worst possible conclusion. I can’t tell you the amount of times I tell myself to shut the f*ck up when my anxiety starts to spiral. It’s been awhile since I’ve had a panic attack so maybe I am improving. But holy f*ck, I am so unsure about how to go about sitting back and letting go of control and perfectionism. My anxiety is habitual.

On a positive note, I finished my essay final! I’m currently working on the study guide for my other final that’s on Tuesday.

I might look all calm and collected on the outside but I’m shitting bricks on the inside.

8:45p I know I’m meant to enjoy all that life has to offer but this constant sense of anxiety is overriding my journey. There are a few moments where I don’t have anxiety. For example (TMI warning), I don’t have anxiety when I am being intimate with my partner. I attribute it to wanting to enjoy the moment and have no desire to be anywhere else. I also feel it would be a dishonor to my partner if I were to let my intrusive thoughts get in the way of our time together. So now my train of thought is going to: Why not turn that same energy towards myself? If I see my intrusive thoughts as a dishonor to the quality time spent with my partner, why would I not see it as a dishonor to the time spent being alive? Another example of when my anxiety isn’t so invasive is when I spend time with the children in my family. They are so grounding for my high levels of anxiety. It would be a disservice to the kids if I didn’t show up as 100% my most calm and centered self. A third and last example would be when I fully emerge myself in my writing. Okay, wait another few examples that came to mind are: when I’m cooking, taking care of my plants/garden, and taking care of my skin (I’m a big advocate on moisturizing).

9:19p Okay I finished most of my study guide. I’m leaving the last 4 questions for tomorrow evening after work. I’m going to journal a bit. Good night 🙂

May 17

7:49p I have been finding some good music lately!

I know I’m pretty good about being Alexis but on the inside, my brain is telling me all that I cannot do every second that I’m alive. Here I am completing the rest of my study guide and my brain is repeating, “this is hard, let’s just give up. It’s not even worth trying. Go to sleep and hope for the best.” But here I am, choosing to ignore those negative thoughts because my track record proves just how capable I truly am of setting a trail ablaze.

I just took off most of my nails. I want my nails to be bare for a bit to heal, and then I want to get them done by an independent artist for my birthday next month! So if you see me with busted nails for a bit, mind your business.

Can I truly ride the waves of life? Yes! But why doesn’t it feel that way?

9:20p Ayyyeeee, I finished my study guide! Today taught me that I am great under pressure. I like how I can be the calm in other people’s storms.

May 18

1:51p I just finished my last final for the semester. I passed my classes with A’s (of course, A for Alexis lolol). I’m medicated and I’m passing my classes?! Who am I?!

May 21

7:19p I just finished repotting my succulents, it was very much needed…

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

May 22

6:45p Ahhh. I’m stuck in a loop of questioning myself and I’m not sure how to escape. Today is my day off and I don’t have any plans other than relaxing. I started my day early as per usual. I ran my errands, got Vietnamese coffee (my favorite!), cleaned the interior of my car, picked up a plant from a local green thumb, cleaned the house, attended to my front garden, watered my plant babies, cleaned their leaves, and painted my toe nails. So you see, I had a pretty busy day but I still feel so shitty! Now in the moment I feel really good because I’m being productive right. But right now as I am laying in bed, I feel so guilty for resting! I don’t feel bad when I’m resting with friends but when I’m alone, the guilt weighs on me like a pile of rocks. Why? I start thinking about all that I haven’t accomplished and all that I want to do, then the thoughts lead me down a dark path that gets scary pretty quickly. So then I tell myself to shut up because if I let myself spiral with those thoughts, I’ll get sick or worse. I’m simply trying to find a way to not feel so guilty all the time oh my lord.

Also I’m kind of going through a time where I’m not even sure what to write for my blog. It’s not that I don’t try, it’s just that nothing has felt right. Am I supposed to write even when I don’t like what I’m writing or do I just wait out the feeling? This is where I wish my ancestors could whisper some answers into my ears so I wouldn’t question the words leaving my fingertips. I just want to be putting out as many blog posts as I was doing last year. I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to the past but geez, it’s just irking me that I feel as if I don’t have words to lace together. And it’s not that I don’t know what to write, because I do. I just don’t know how to articulate it for all to comprehend and absorb.

It just makes me sad you know, constantly questioning myself. I know it’s deeply rooted in something but I have no idea what that something is and it’s driving me wild. Ugh and I recognize my privilege in being in a position to write about my feelings on the internet while some people don’t even have running water or food. My ancestors worked so hard for me to have the life that I have now and here I am questioning it! What’s stopping me from truly enjoying all that I have? I think I may be overly humble. There’s a better phrase for that but I am blanking. Basically I just want to let go of the guilt and the questioning and just ride the wave of gratitude, free of anxiety.

On the bright side, I’ve been able to channel my social anxiety into confidence so that’s pretty cool. It’s really hard for me to point out my accomplishments because I can hardly see them for myself but I’m trying.

I want to scream. I also want to take myself out on a date because I deserve it lmao. I want to cry, or laugh. Ugh. I just thought that by being on medications that the disorder would get silenced and it didn’t. Though the medications have helped in managing and lessening the severity of my symptoms, there’s just no running away from the disorder. I can’t get rid it so I have no choice but to learn how to love it, for all the directions it takes me.

Okay I initially had plants this weekend but they got canceled so here I am at home right. But it’s a good thing because it’s one of my first days since the start of my new job that I actually have some free time. I noticed a pattern in myself reveal itself. My first reaction to my plans being canceled was anger. But things were out of my control so I had this conversation in my head about taking it as a sign to just be at home today. I work M-F, leaving me with having the weekends off. I just had finals week so you would think I would be happy about having some time to do whatever I wanted. There’s this trait that runs in my maternal lineage where we have anticipatory anxiety and it plays out whenever we have our hands free. The women in my family find it difficult to ever sit still and rest, we always have to be doing something. So today left me with a chunk of free time. Part of my brain is telling me about all the things I need to get done (like writing the world’s greatest autobiography or creating an impactful documentary) but there’s also a part of my brain that is just telling me to rest. So here I am resting, but the guilt creeps up and makes me feel bad for resting!!! It’s exhausting.

I get embarrassed about the ideas I have because I never know if they’re grandiose (the disorder?), overestimating myself, or having good ol’ confidence. Eww why am I so embarrassed?! I just that thought with the depression going away that all my problems would be fixed.

10:13p first world problem but I lost the charger to my wand so there’s that! Let’s pray I find it ASAP lolol. 🙁