Blog Posts

Oops, I Spilled My Feelings

I did a third eye meditation before going to bed last night and it prepared me for a very interesting sleep. My intention for that meditation was just to simply remember the dreams that I would be having. Dreams tell a lot that you consciously didn’t know you needed to know/hear. I really believe our subconscious speaks to us through our dreams. Everything we avoid while we are awake comes to us in our dreams because nothing is holding it back from appearing. So that’s what happened to me last night. And I woke up crying.

A lot of hurt came up in my dreams. I’m sad that the people closest to me (family) are the ones who have hurt me time and time again. I’m sad that no one could ever apologize to me. That I’m made to feel crazy every fucking time someone does me wrong. I’m sad that I always have to be the bigger person. I’m sad that I have to go through healing processes. I’m sad that no one ever takes accountability for hurting me. I’m sad that I always have to pick myself back up and the people who hurt me just act like nothing happened. I’m sad that I’m the bad person for cutting toxic people out my life. I’m just really sad and hurt.

I’m hurt that all I ever wanted from my dad was an apology and for him to take accountability for hurting me. I’m hurt that my own sister who is 10-years older than me has been gaslighting me since I was a child and no one has ever stood up for me or corrected her. I’m hurt that my sister spreads rumors about me and that my family chooses to listen to those rumors. I’m hurt that I’m constantly hurt by narcissists. I’m hurt that no one ever holds the narcissists accountable, that they are able to just go along with their day while I am made to clean up the mess. I’m hurt that all the responsibility is put on me to fix things, that the people who hurt me are never made to acknowledge what they have done to me.

I am tired of being the one to fix things. I can’t “fix” something if the other party cannot take accountability for their actions. I am tired of people burying the pain and hurt as if nothing happened when something clearly did freaking happen. I am so tired of secrets, keeping things hidden as if that’s healing anything. I am just so tired of subpar people just chugging along. And I know, people have their own traumas. I’m tired of people telling me “oh they didn’t know what they were doing.” NO! I am so tired of that. People need to take accountability for their actions no matter what kind of past they have gone through. Hurting someone is never okay.

It breaks my heart that no one ever asks me how I am doing after being hurt. It breaks my heart that people assume that just because I am “strong” that I am not affected by things. But fuck, I’m only strong because I have been hurt so many times and I had to toughen up because it is not natural to me to just wallow away in sadness. I am hurt that I have had to cut my own father and my sister out my life because they have torn me down into little pieces countless of times. I went from a 5 unit family to a 3 unit family. I am hurt that they just go along with their day while I just try to pick myself back up. I’m tired of these grown ass people acting like freaking children.

I’m only 22! I’ve gone to therapy since I was 16. I’ve made it my own responsibility to take care of myself and others should do the same. I make it a point to work on myself because I do not want to pass on this hurt to others, to my future kids. I know therapy isn’t accessible to all but at least to the two people I am referring to, they have the luxury of being able to go to therapy and work on themselves. I am just so fucking tired of it all. I am just so tired of having it together all the time. And it’s not to say that people are forcing me to have it all together, it just comes with being an ever-evolving human who chooses to overcome their hurt. I guess I am just tired of constantly being hurt no matter how good of a person I am.

I really grew up thinking I was some bad selfish person. I thought I was manipulative and mean like people always told me I was while growing up. I thought they were right when telling me how angry, disrespectful, and all these other negative things. But no, I’m not any of that. That’s what people project onto me. If I was this bad person that people made me out to be then why would I get along with people outside of my family so well? Why would people tell me that my energy is so healing to be around? Why would I get great recommendation letters from my teachers? If I was such a bad person then I wouldn’t be questioning if I was a bad person.

Please stop telling kids that they have an attitude or that they’re this and that. No. Kids aren’t any of that. Please stop projecting your flaws on to children. They are sponges of their environment. Everything you like and don’t like about your kid is all a reflection of yourself. The people in our lives are mirrors of ourselves. Which is amazing because it allows you to grow and change. You get to see your qualities personified in someone else. So please, make it your own responsibility to work on yourself so that you do not pass down any of the pain and trauma to your kids. Please, start seeing kids in a positive light because they are just kids at the end of the day. Let them have their youth. Their brains are not fully developed. The part of the brain that makes decisions (also helps form their personalities, social behaviors, and cognitive behaviors), the pre-frontal cortex, isn’t fully developed until around 25-years of age. So next time you feel the need to take your anger out on a child, please remember, their brains aren’t even fully developed yet. So how silly you must look for doing such a shitty thing. Be kind to the youth.

Stop telling children/people, in general, to stop being sensitive! It’s not a bad thing to be in touch with your emotions. We are literally human freaking beings. Emotions are part of our survival my dude. Sorry that you are not a developed human who can’t acknowledge their own emotions but please, just stop taking it out on other people. Just because others can acknowledge their feelings in a correct manner doesn’t make them weak. Do you ever realize that it’s always the hurt angry people always feeling the need to input their opinions on someone else’s life? Do you ever wonder why? Because they aren’t happy with themselves. It kills the angry person to see other people being happy, being able to acknowledge parts of themselves that they themselves cannot. Compassionate kind people just mind their own business because they know their opinion on someone’s life doesn’t matter because they aren’t that person and that it isn’t their place to even have an opinion in the first place. It’s a very simple idea to wrap your head around actually. You’re really only as pretty as you treat other people.

Ugh. I am just hurt, sad, disappointed. I have come a long-ass way to be here. It isn’t easy and it is so tiring sometimes. It’s not too difficult to be a freaking kind compassionate human being. There are no excuses. Everyone has their own traumas and personal demons but holy fuck, that is no excuse to continue being a shitty ass human who is constantly hurting others just because they can’t acknowledge their own hurt. I had to grow up so fast because no one was ever watching over me. My family was there but they weren’t there you know. They weren’t there for my emotional needs and that’s all I ever needed. Not that my emotions control me but I am such an emotional person, it’s just a part of who I am. I feel everything so deeply and it never stops hurting when someone you love breaks your heart countless times, even after you forgave them so many times already.

I am just so exhausted of my emotional side being taken advantage of and it not being respected. But well, now it is. I set my boundaries. I did it by cutting them out after the millionth time of them hurting me. I am just no longer tolerating hurt people who can’t be accountable for themselves. I also just really do not want to be around people who don’t hold others accountable either. I really am not afraid to cut toxic people out of my life because I care about myself. I care about my mental health and how happy I am. If you aren’t bringing any positivity into my life then I really have no benefit of keeping you around. It’s a simple concept that everyone should bring into their life. Your happiness with your own life is all that matters. Don’t let others influence you. You have all the power.

Side note: Please do not ever tell me (or anyone else for that matter) how I should act regarding anyone who has hurt me. I don’t have to forgive anyone. I chose to forgive them for myself as it was part of my own healing process. I am allowed to be angry. I am allowed to be hurt by what they have done to me. I just need people, the world, to start being accountable for themselves and to stop projecting their pain onto others. Just stop telling people how they should feel or what they should do. It’s okay to offer an ear to listen to them or a shoulder to cry on. But please, stop giving advice to people if they aren’t asking for it. And when you do give people advice, please make sure you are coming from a neutral standpoint.

I have been working on my traumas for a long time. It never really stops you know. You patch up one thing just to find another little piece to work on. But that’s okay, that’s what life is. You’re always changing, the self-work never stops. And how beautiful it is to be able to have the ability to become the best version of yourself. We can’t control what others do to us but we can control how we react to their actions.

Here are some affirmations that have helped me heal from my family trauma:

• It is safe for me to look within. As I move through the layers of other people’s opinions and beliefs, I see within myself a magnificent being, wise, and beautiful. I love what I see in me.
• I am willing to change. I am willing to release old, negative beliefs. They are only thoughts that stand in my way. My new thoughts are positive and fulfilling.
• I listen with love to my body’s messages. My body is always working toward optimum health. My body wants to be whole and healthy. I cooperate and become healthy, whole, and complete.
• My life is a mirror. The people in my life are really mirrors of me. This affords me the opportunity to grow and change.
• I am flexible and flowing. I am open to the new and changing. Every moment presents a wonderful new opportunity to become more of who I am. I flow with life easily and effortlessly.

I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I have to live with the fact that I may never get an “I’m sorry” or someone just simply taking responsibility for their own actions and that’s okay. But it doesn’t take away from the fact that my two primary apology languages are expressing regret and accepting responsibility. The duality of the whole situation is funny. Just two simple things could make my heart mend easily but some people are just too caught up in their egos to ever take responsibility for their actions. But alas, I am so overjoyed that I can sleep well at night knowing I don’t regret my life or how I treat people. And I am so thankful for that. I’m thankful for myself, for staying true to myself every step of the way.

Here’s to Alexis being Alexis! May she never change, but evolve into a better version of herself every day. I love you Alexis 💗

XoXo,

Alexis 💗