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Perfect Timing

Currently playing: Dreamgirl by Tana

10:50p

I feel so very Alexis right now. My grandma has been staying with us so that required me to be a full-on caretaker. Which I’m used to, it’s what I’ve been doing since I was a kid. It’s a role that fulfills me. But it does deplete me of my energy tremendously. I found it extremely necessary for me to take time out for myself when I was able to so that I may recalibrate. And I’m sort of getting used to the whole balance of life thing now. It wasn’t about finding one thing that works for me. It was about taking each day for what it presented itself as. I learned to appreciate all the contrasts that pop up during one’s daily routine. You truly cannot enjoy the good without the bad. With joy there is pain. Where there are refreshing tears, there are painful laughs. Waking up kinda sucks because I’m woken out of my fantasy. But then I sort of balance that out with diving into books and my studies. On the other side of it, I’m also getting a hang of enjoying this thing of being alive.

It is extremely exhausting being me. And I don’t mean that in a light-hearted funny way. It’s just the truth that I am riddled with deeply rooted anxiety that has snuck its way into my genetics many lifetimes ago. I worry all the time. I have extreme paranoia. It can’t be tracked to one specific time because there have been many times in my life that just shook me to death. I just had a dream last night that brought me back to when I was a child and some people broke into my home and completely wrecked my sanctuary. Thankfully, my family and I weren’t home and my pets weren’t harmed. Well, the invaders knocked our fish tank over and our beta fish somehow survived hours from just the water being on the floor. The people who broke into my home, they took so much time to learn our daily schedules. They were watching us. They were literally preying on us. My home didn’t feel like my home anymore. I was completely disconnected. My parent’s cars have been broken into too many times to count. I’m a freaking woman of color and the daily harassment from strangers is just something I have had to silently accept.

Not only do I fucking freak out about people following me home, I freaking go crazy about if I’m doing enough for bad shit to stop happening to me. And by bad I mean by people dying. I’ve experienced death in its vast variety of flavors since I could remember. I know it’s the cycle that we all complete and it’s unavoidable, hell, I talk about my death all the time. It just really hurts me emotionally to lose someone I care about. It just feels like a piece of me goes with them and I am left wondering who I am after their departure. I had a whole crisis after my Odessa died that I just completely dove deep into a mental tsunami of depression. I actively do the best that I can in everything I do yet I still question if that was enough. My standard for myself is just so extremely high that I have yet figured out how to let myself loose from the noose of guilt.

Despite all my daily clenching of emotions, I am learning to just let them go. I write them all down in hopes that one day, all the words will just make sense. I persist through my fears and doubts because I know I am not the only one going through their own personal hell. I know my crazy seems crazy to others, but other people’s crazy seems crazy to me. But that’s because we will never truly be able to understand where someone is really coming from. All we can do is just empathize and sympathize and be like “dude, same.” We experience the same things but we process them differently is what I’m trying to get at.

11:19p Okay, my brain has decided to relax now. I am taking the time, all the time I need as in all the time I am allotted to be alive in this lifetime, to figure out what works best for me regarding being a successful human. Because to me, to be successful is to be living one’s dreams and being completely overjoyed to be alive.

It’s just crazy to me that I’m alive. Two reasons: 1. Because of the simple fact that I haven’t died (this just proves to me that I truly do have guardian angels and I am meant to see my life through) and 2. If I’m staying alive, it’s only because I’m literally fulfilling every one of my dreams and wishes. I am leaning into my self-confidence and am now looking back at the life that I have created, and god do I love the foundation that I have built for myself. I am whole and in love with myself. I am leaning into all the great things that I am (kind, generous, supporting, compassionate) and using that as proof that I am ever deserving of the life that I wish for. And I am living it every day! Granted I am human and I have moments where I want to kill myself and just skip to the end but apparently, that isn’t in my life path sooooo I push through the contrasts because with every uncomfortable situation there is, there is that many more situations filled with love and laughter.

Sometimes I laugh to myself which might seem odd but it’s just me like holy fuck, so if I’m seeing my life through and I truly know that I am supported by the universe (we all are since we are the universe), then holy fuck, I am going to make my wildest dreams come true. I am going to be the researcher of my dreams. I am going to help people. I am going to save all the animals. I have dreamed of being a doctor since I was a little kid. And not because it’s a title, but because I truly believe in what it means to be a doctor, at least the type of doctor I want to be. It’s literally just taking my healing powers onto a whole ass professional level. This is what I have always wanted to do because I have witnessed firsthand how the medical field is truly missing the human/soul connection between the doctors and patients.

God, I get to fulfill the science nerd in me by pursuing my studies. That literally thrills me. I wish you could see the smile on my face right now. It’s pretty dangerous when a girl believes in herself, because she is not going to be stopped by anything or anyone, and most certainly will not be stopped by the opinions of others. I get to look SOOOO BEAUTIFUL educating the world. Like yes, you can be SENSUAL and SMART and BROWN. Which is just so wild that that is something that we still have to even discuss but I will gladly continue being myself so enjoy the view.

Omg and let me not forget my favorite part about being a human: love. God do I love my fur babies. I love myself, my family, friends. I love this planet, the water, the air, the life that is vibrating in every single thing. And okay, I do love being in love, like a lot, lol. I truly am a hopeless romantic and I’ve been lucky enough to literally get everything I have ever asked for in a partner. I manifested every single partner that I have had, how great is that? Right now, I am enjoying my time dating myself. But all I know is yall, my next partner entering my life is going to know the chords to “No More Tears” by Ozzy Osbourne. And if they really just want to woo me, then, of course, they’ll also know the chords to “Hardwired” and/or “For Whom The Bell Tolls” by Metallica. Or the piano instrumental to “I Got It Bad (And That Aint Good)” by Ella Fitzgerald & Duke Ellington. I’m a simple woman, I like music. I just feel like I never truly appreciated the instrument players that I have dated and well, that’s just something I want to re-experience so I may truly enjoy it to the fullest. Plus it’s like, I don’t need a partner with a nice sporty car because I am that person for myself lmao. I don’t need to be taken somewhere nice because there’s a whole ass pandemic and well, people, ew. I do love flowers but I also already get those for myself. But the one thing I can’t do, which isn’t a lot, is play an instrument. So something that a person could bring into my life is well, that. How cool. It’s exciting just to think about. I wish there was a proper way to type out my excitement besides, “eeeeeekkkkkk!!!!” Which seems only appropriate for texts to my friends.

Omg, let me freaking mention that like yooo, I’m going to be a cool ass mom. I’m already working on my parenting skills with the little gremlins in my family. I’ve been changing diapers and putting cranky babies to sleep since I was in elementary school. Pros to being Mexican even though our maternal figures insist that we clean from the time that we start to learn how to walk. Which by the way, I’m 22 and my almost 91-year-old great-grandma still gets on my ass about having to clean literally every non-visible germ in and out of the house. I get to be the one who heals my lineage yall. I get to raise my kids in the most loving and supportive home, the one that I always needed when I was growing up.

Ya’ll, and let me tell you, I am bringing sex education to everyone. That’s just my extra little gift that I am leaving as my legacy. I’ll be damned if we continue being such tight assholes about our biological bodies. Like c’mon, did you know that when your OBGYN is pursuing their doctorate, they aren’t required to take a human sexualities course? There is more miseducation around sexuality being spread around than the simple facts that deserve to be known by every human on this planet. I’ve always been that sex educator for people and I am grateful for that because we’re all just trying to figure out what the fuck is happening with these strange vessels of ours so it comes natural to me to discuss things so openly. Plus, I just want every woman to know that they are truly capable of having the most transcending orgasm and they are able to give that gift to themselves without the help of a partner.

I guess that’s just another reason why I have enjoyed my celibacy so much. The whole one-on-one time with my body has been so eye-opening and well, when I tell you that I have transcending orgasms every time I masturbate, well there’s no returning to subpar partners after that. Granted there will come a time where I do let someone into my precious garden but well, when that happens the situation will speak for itself. So until then, I shall enjoy making slow intimate love to myself.

12:29am I shall now transition to my dream state.

Xo,

Lexx