Saturday Love
Hey Siri, play Doo Wop (That Thing) by Lauryn Hill
Don’t get mad, get everything.
First Wives Club
Today was a really good day!!! It was a good day because I was in charge of how I was going to let my emotions affect my day. I had some really weird sleep and some very odd dreams. I noticed that my dreams were just filled with anxiety and fears. But as soon as I woke up, I realized that I really am in fact, a living human being who gets to live life! So today, that is just what I did. I lived. I got up, showered, meditated, and cleaned up my room. I washed all my bedding so that I could put my Fall bedding on as soon as I got home later. I cleaned the interior of my car and that felt amazing, I really enjoy cleaning my car. It’s nice being able to take care of something that you love so much because you know that it wasn’t easy to get but you freaking did it! I grabbed a protein shake (if I don’t eat breakfast then I just drink a protein shake because something is better than nothing) before leaving my house and off I went to get my day started!
I went to go visit my Tia Alma at the cemetery. I always feel so rejuvenated and connected when I visit her. I wonder if it has something to do with being around dead people aka they aren’t draining my energy like people who are breathing, lol. I love taking the time to sit down and journal as I connect to the environment around me. It’s funny how when I had arrived, it was so gloomy and foggy. But just moments later, the clouds parted to let the sun do its thing and shine on. Now that is magic.
I just realized that my Tia Alma passed away on 03/06/99. Which is funny because I literally just mentioned Nikola Tesla’s 3-6-9 theory just the other day. I wonder what it means. If anything, Tia Alma is at peace and is really living her ascended life in her realm. And that makes me so happy. I didn’t grow up with my Tia Alma in my life as she passed away when I was a baby but my mom always made sure to keep her memory alive. And for some reason, ever since I was a little girl, I had always asked about her. Wow. She really is watching over me :’)
I had a wonderful drive home afterward. I decided to take the Golden Gate Bridge home just to enjoy the ride. I really am most in the moment and at peace when I am jamming to my music in my car. I blast the music, open the sunroof, let my face soak up the sun (don’t forget to apply sunscreen on the daily), stick my hand out the window, and just sing as loud as I can just to make sure the universe is really listening, lol. I love that I can send great energy to strangers I pass by. I wonder what they think when they see me jamming out. If I were them, I would think that the person is having the time of their life! And in fact, I really am having the time of my life. It’s the little things in life seriously.
When I got home, I had the energy to get things done so that’s just what I did. I cleaned my room as per usual (that should always be a daily thing bc clutter messes with your energy). I washed all the blankets and towels. Put my fall bed sheets and covers on my bed!!! I washed Pepper’s dog house because I saw this weird bug and I got freaked out so I went all crazy mom and cleaned it + just ended up cleaning her whole area because I do not want any bugs messing with her, lol. Pepper and Odessa both got baths which they were not happy about, but really, they never are happy to get clean. Washed out the cat litter boxes. I washed the outside of the house because it has been too long so I am extra happy about that. My Chewy package arrived two days early so that was a good omen because I was feeling a little impatient about that. But good thing I didn’t stress because that would’ve just been a waste of energy. I trusted my intuition that my package would arrive early and it did!
I love that journaling has become second nature to me now. It literally makes me so happy and it fulfills me knowing that I will be able to remember my progress in life. I will be able to look back on my journals to have a better understanding of myself. And I can show my kids that yooo, life is crazy but as long as you journal and have fun, you’ll be straight chillin.
I love that everything I do has intention. Even when I am laying down to rest, I enjoy putting on some frequency music. It may be small but I believe it really does help me align myself. I love that I take my time with things and I don’t rush! Because there literally is nothing to rush since the next second is never guaranteed. So I enjoy all my seconds, even if it is picking up cat poop. But hey that’s just what a pet mom does. I find beauty and appreciation in all that I do and all that enters my life.
I let my mom drive my car yesterday and that was pretty cool. It was the first time that I got to be a passenger in my own car! Anita Baker (my car) really makes being in a car feel like a freaking cloud. Maybe it’s because I just love her so much, I even hug my car sometimes just because ugh, I love it so much and I love that I am free! I love that my car is my dream car and that I was able to get it all on my own. I love that my car inspires me to continue to follow my dreams and that it reminds me that my ancestors are always guiding me in everything I do. I just really love my car and I just want to scream it to the world. Omg, I’m not sure if I mentioned it before but the interest rate on my car got randomly lowered! I was mind blown. It wasn’t much but it was something, and I am ever so grateful for that something! Plus, I didn’t even know that it was possible until I got the letter. I say that is a gift from the universe because being able to refinance my car is one my priorities. And it got refinanced by itself :’)
The past two weeks have been completely life-changing. I am really getting the hang of being in control of my emotions and how I let them affect me. I honestly feel so fulfilled, so freaking me. I’ve been speaking my truth in so many different ways. I’ve been more open about parts of myself that I hid for so long. I have just been so honest with myself and the universe. I’m letting the energy flow by speaking my truth and holy damn, it feels fantastic!
*Fun fact: the name Lexxtastic comes from my name, Alexis, and the word fantastic because well, I’m freaking fantastic*
I’m also really getting the hang of knowing my limits, especially with my energy. For so long, I tried to be this overly energetic person who did everything and anything but ugh that is not me. My energy comes in waves and when that wave comes, I have to just ride it. But if the wave doesn’t come, I can’t force it. Or when the wave leaves, I can’t force it to stay. And I’m honest about it! I used to stay on the phone with people for hours just because I didn’t know how to tell them that my energy battery was running low. But today I caught myself feeling tired so I told Sol that I had to hang up because I just couldn’t give her my full attention as much as I wanted because my brain just wanted to turn off. Knowing and acknowledging my limits has really allowed me to regain some power within myself. It also keeps me accountable for my feelings because I know that if I push myself, I’m just going to end up having some negative feelings about myself because I’m upset that I can’t just keep going. But instead of letting myself get there, I completely stop in my tracks and just freaking breathe.
You know, I may be 22 and I may not know much, but I know something. And that’s all we really know because we can’t know everything, but just some things. I’ve been redefining my definition of success and honestly for me it just means finding fulfillment in every little thing I do and that is successful to me. I caught myself almost getting dragged down a tunnel of negative thinking but then I reminded myself that I have to believe that whatever it is that I am doing, it has to be enough because it is all I got. If I feel like what I’m doing isn’t enough than I get dragged down the path of negative thinking and when that happens, all I want to do is kill myself. Which is so extreme I know but it is what it is. I just don’t see a point in living if you aren’t happy with your life. And if I’m not happy with where I am in life, then I might as well just end it. BUT I don’t want to end my life, I want to live. So I am doing everything in my power to find success in even the smallest of moments because tomorrow is literally never guaranteed. And I don’t want to die tomorrow being filled with questions and anxiety. I want to die knowing that I was stress-free with nothing weighing me down.
One thing I would like to add that has been on my mind as of lately is the statement, be creative without an audience. It’s been something that has been very helpful to remind myself of. Like the question, what would you do if no one was watching you? And ugh, I really like the whole idea of doing whatever it is that makes you happy and not worrying about if people will like it or not. We worry about numbers sooooo much when it doesn’t freaking matter. So many artists have died without the recognition they deserved because they were doing what they loved simply because it made them happy, not because they were expecting to make millions or expecting to have an audience. And ugh, if we just stop expecting things, we will stop being let down! Just accept things for what they are and do what makes you happy even if you don’t get recognition. Because that recognition does not matter if you really cared about what you were doing.
Omg well I mentioned it earlier, worded differently, but I just want to emphasize that I am speaking my truth. I am coming out of my chrysalis and revealing the new and improved Alexis! I hid parts of myself for so long simply because I was afraid of judgement. Life is too short to worry about such frivolous things you know. It’s a waste of time and energy to worry about what others think because well, they aren’t living your life!
So here’s to me, finding a reason to live every day. Being my truest and most genuine self. And creating without an audience. And just vibing to life.
XoXo,
Alexis Mariah āŗļø
On a personal random note, I really am still so confused about my last name. It’s not something I want to change right now but I think it is something I do want to change eventually. Maybe. I don’t know. I identified with my last name for so long, but I honestly don’t want to be tied to my father in any way. I just want to have my own identity you know. So for now, I have just been dropping my last name and using my first/middle. Ugh. First world problems, lol.
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1 week
Tagged bell hooks, john welwood, journey of the heart, love, the path of conscious love