“True Love is about letting her go and see if she returns.”

I’ve seen the movie before but I never paid attention to it until now. Why did no one tell me Bradley Cooper’s character had bipolar disorder?! He took Trazodone like I do! Which reminds me, I need to start taking my meds again, oops. I’m learning to become more okay with needing meds. It doesn’t make me any less weak for having to take daily medications. I just get embarrassed by it because I’m 21 and I already have to take everyday meds as if I’m some senior adult? But whatever, it is what it is. At least I’m mentally stable now!

Lol @ my first panic attack in my junior year of high school and there ended up being like 8 firefighters and paramedics who showed up to my house at like 2 in the morning. I laugh at it now because it was so serious in the moment but looking back I’m just like wow, I really had to be so dramatic. But hey that’s what mental illnesses tend to do for people, make their feelings and emotions a little too strong where they have trouble controlling them. What’s funnier is that a few members of my family came to the hospital when I was there, they saw what happened. Yet they still don’t believe that mental illnesses are real. How absurd is that!

Anyways this movie has me crying. The universe has been pushing me to ground myself, learn gratitude for what I have, for everything that I go through. I’ve already been doing it so I was unsure of how to do an even better job of it. I show gratitude for everything I have every day. But upon watching this movie, Pat (Bradley Cooper’s character) is in therapy and his therapist asks him if he’s happy with who he is, even with the “crazy sad shit” part of himself. His therapist mentions that the “crazy sad shit” that Pat is so unhappy with himself about, has helped him become a happier person who has a positive beautiful philosophy of making it a point to going outdoors, get exercise, and read. And it made me think like Woah, that’s what I do! I have had to do a whole 180° with my life to become this mentally stable person that I am now.

I had to start being conscious of what I put into my body, with how I treat it. When you have bipolar disorder, you literally have to change every aspect of your life for the better in order to help your brain release endorphins and feed your body everything nutritious. Every day I make choices about what I eat, how it can benefit me, what are the effects of it, etc. My days are filled with choices that I now subconsciously do. I mean yes I think about it but it’s almost come to be an autonomic thing to do because I do it every day. It used to be very difficult as I used to never think too much about how my actions affected me so the change between the two was a pretty drastic thing. But it’s been since mid-October that I started that transition and here I am today, almost a whole pro! I’ll be the pro I intend to be once I start being more gentle with myself.

I don’t realize how hard I am on myself until the universe knocks some sense into me! I have the tendency to think that what I do is average and subpar. I really don’t give myself any credit for what I do but I’m trying to change that because I need to be proud of myself! None of my progress in life really matters if I myself am not proud of the time and work I put into my growth. I just need to give myself a pat on the back for how far I have come in such a short period of time.

A reminder to myself: Girl, you are above average. You are moving forward with your life with grace and gratitude. You are an intelligent young womxn who will do so much for the world. You are going to make a difference. You have already changed the lives of so many already, now just imagine how many more you can help!