Blog Posts

Sweet Thoughts On The Brain

Cue the song, “Tell It Like It Is” by Aaron Neville

“…dreaming that love will save us, solve all our problems or provide a steady state of bliss or security only keeps us stuck in wishful fantasy, undermining the real power of the love—which is to transform us.
John Welwood, “Journey of the Heart: The Path of Conscious Love”

Sometimes I wish that someone who knows me very well could do the writing for me. Like if I could connect a cord from my brain to their brain so that they can pull my thoughts out. I don’t know how often I have to remind myself to write fearlessly and chaotically. I am quite lenient with myself when it comes to writing tbh. It’s one thing I don’t have much discipline on. Nor really a strategy for. It’s a natural ability that needs to be exercised like a muscle. It’s hard to get into the flow when my body starts to want to fall asleep as soon as I get a few sentences in. And then when I get to this point of time in my writing, I start crying! And I’ve got a headache. Do I have to write through this discomfort? When I reflect on what is causing the tears, I think about allllllllllll the stuff going in my life and around me. I want to write about all my worries and dreams. I want to write about how my maternal lineage is riddled with people-pleasing, greed, and deceit. And how my paternal lineage is riddled with abuse and alcoholism. I want to write about what I do for work and how I love what I do – though I know I’m just getting started in my career. I’d like to write my way forward in life. Letting my writing be my lighthouse. Though as of this moment, I don’t feel like writing about my worries… Right now, I’d like to focus on sweet thoughts. I wanted to shared some sweet words from a recent journal entry. My hopes in sharing something a little bit more personal is to simply let myself be seen.

Now onto the sweet thoughts…

OKAY! Maybe I am thinking about the fact that Sir Jirafa (my sweetheart) and I are talking again & smooched. And how incredibly happy it makes me that we have grown so much.

“When I’m painting/making art for my loved ones, my brain flows and when I’m in a flow, I get curious. So here’s curious Alexis for you. You better not be overwhelmed (that’s a joking tone btw lolol…)

I wonder if you ever think about my scent and touch. Do you ever feel protective over me? Wanting me allll to yourself? Being the only one to have my attention and heart.

One of my favorite things about you is that you know me so well and call me out on my bullshit. Do you still think the uncharted waters between us say a lot about how we’d be as partners?

Before you commented on my blog, the last text message you had received from me was back in December. I said I had met someone and hoped that would be the last time you and I talked. What went through your mind when you got that text? In my head, I thought you would’ve been relieved to get me out of your life so that you could focus on the person you’re currently dating. I thought that because you had chosen to date them that there was love between you two. And if that were true, then you couldn’t be my true love. And if you weren’t my true love, then there wouldn’t be any reason or need for us to communicate ever again.

But you didn’t stay away from me (thankfully). I don’t think it’s because you lack discipline or that you wanted to be “bad.” I believe you know who you truly love and want to be committed life partners with. It’s plain to see. We wouldn’t be loving one another throughout our different life phases if we weren’t true and right for one another. I know my overthinking has played a part in our dynamic but that’s never taken away from what/who I truly want. We always seem to find the right moment. [We’ve got roots established between us.] You’ve always said you’d do what you can to lessen my worries – you wouldn’t be telling me that if we didn’t want the same thing. You know what you can do though??? Give me a pinky promise and cross your heart. I take those seriously – even my students pinky promise me that they’ll turn their days around for the better, lol.

What were you feeling when I emailed you? Did you think I wasn’t going to respond? Or did you have a gut feeling we’d pick back up as if no time were lost?

Tbh – these (us) are the tid bits and pieces of my life I’d like to talk about [on my blog]. I feel that this part of my life is like a spellbinding tale. It’s real life! And it’s also part of your life. Does that make sense? Maybe I just need to pick your brain…”

This part of my life and who it involves (Sir Jirafa) is literally one of my most FAVORITE aspects of my life. I am blessed to know genuine love and to be genuinely loving too. And to be kissing my favorite person!!

“You decided to try to get my attention so I decided to make you show what you were willing to do and you ended up [kissing me] like you were trying not to.”
Sir Jirafa