Have you ever seen Run DMC’s show? He sits in the bathtub basically just talking about whatever he has on his mind. Anyways that’s me right now! Well, I’m painting my nails but the same concept applies. Here I am, doing some much-needed self-care and then my mind started to wander into a place that I really don’t open up about often.

I don’t have many regrets in life but I do regret my last serious relationship. He was a nice guy, very respectful to my family but the relationship as a whole was not for me. We started dating my first semester of college so I was excited! I was doing what all the teenagers do: dating a boy and having him be your everything. I’m not sure what it was, maybe young love, but I ended up losing myself in that relationship. It makes me cry just thinking about it because that was the worst thing I ever could have done to myself. Of course, life has its lessons and I was meant to go through that but damn do I really regret it. The worst thing anyone can ever do is betray themselves and who they are at their core.

I thought a relationship was what I wanted but looking back it now, I was just doing it because everyone else that was around my age were all in relationships. They had someone they could bring to their family functions, someone to go on dates with, someone to nurture them. That’s what I wanted! I also had some really serious co-dependency issues that I wasn’t aware of so even when I knew that that relationship isn’t what I had wanted, I still stayed. Actually, I don’t regret the relationship itself, I simply regret not leaving when I should’ve. I knew pretty early on that situation wasn’t for me. I was so scared of being alone that I made myself miserable by staying for all those years.

I thought I was miserable because mental illness ya know, but looking at it from a different perspective now, I can see that I was killing myself slowly by betraying who I was. Society really engrains in you that you have to be monogamous. Even at an early age when you have little “relationships” throughout your youth, you have to be monogamous. But holy jesus, how do we as a society expect a freaking teenager who has yet to fully experience life decide that she only wants to be with this one person?! I sort of attempted at bringing up the conversation of wanting to open the relationship up but he was immature and couldn’t grasp such a simple idea. Apparently wanting to see multiple people makes you, what people like to always call me, a whore. Even if my goal was to be a beautiful whore, I don’t think anyone should have an opinion over that because it is MY life. That really speaks to how people see any person who isn’t interested in monogamy. Well, it really speaks to their personal insecurities that they have yet to work through but that’s their life. I suppose I’ve always been interested in having multiple partners because well I’m freaking young! It’s not even the idea of having multiple partners that entices me, it’s just the fact that I really treasure my personal freedom. I don’t want to be forced in another relationship again so I’m taking my time to find my divine love. I have my whole life ahead of me. It also allows me to be able to explore all sides of who I am and comes from the fact that I am honestly a little more focused on my career path than attempting to figure out what type of relationship is best for me in the long run. I have no idea what my long term relationship will look like but all I know is, it’s just easier for me to not stress too much about it right now. I’d rather not stir up that anxiety inside myself.

ANYWAYS, my point of it all is just that, I really regret suppressing my curiosity for so long. A part of me died for a while when I did that. I became someone who was so wrapped up in what other people wanted from me that I totally forgot to take myself into consideration! The sad part is that when I look back at photos from all those years, I don’t even recognize myself because I wasn’t myself. I was some girl who put some mask on in order to please others. But lo and behold, I have become a whole new me! Someone who stays true to herself, who puts her happiness before anyone else’s because honestly, no one will be there for you like yourself. I simply refuse to have my level of happiness to be affected by others ever again. It created this little monster in me who can barely believe in her own worth half the time because she’s always looking for the acceptance for others. But not anymore!

Any-who gotta go! I have to go pick up my BFF since we are leaving for a road trip to SoCal tomorrow morning! I am so excited. I haven’t seen her in god knows how long. The universe has been giving me signs and telling me to just be one with the flow and spend time by the ocean so here I go, listening to my intuition and healing all sorts of things inside of me 🙂

XoXo,

Alexis ❣️