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The Dreams of a Bright-Eyed City Kid: RAMS Summer Bridge 2016

A time full of hopes and dreams. I did a psychology program after I graduated from high school called RAMS Summer Bridge at the California Institute of Integral Studies and wow, I met some lovely people who became some amazing mentors and friends that I still talk to today. I was digging through my closet today and found my journal from the program. We had weekly writing prompts where our group mentor would respond to us and we basically just had a conversation every week. Anyways I came across some funny entries that made me laugh because I still write just the same as I did when I was a freshly 18-year-old! I’m sharing my journal entries to show how bright-eyed, intelligent, and so motivated I was (and still am). 18-year-old Alexis would definitely be proud of the 22-year-old that she has become.

I suppose the universe wanted me to find this journal today to remind me that just because I am taking a break from school doesn’t mean I’m not following my dreams. I have every intention of making my dream come true of getting my Ph.D. and helping the world. I just need this time to plant my feet into my destiny so that I am able to support myself when I do go back to school. I guess it’s just coming to the sad reality that education is so damn expensive and I am not in a place to be able to afford that right now. And that’s okay. This allows me the time to focus on my other passions that will help me get a grip on the financial aspect of life thus meaning I will be able to fulfill my childhood dream of becoming a doctor who does research! Lol not me freaking crying right now because it’s hitting me that holy fuck, I AM MAKING MY DREAMS COME TRUE EVERY DAY.

Tackle life as if you are a wave of a tsunami going over a sea wall. Go full steam ahead in your destiny as a big middle finger to society.

— Alexis Mariah

June 9, 2016: I wanted to join Summer Bridge because I believe(d) that it would be a great opportunity. Since I’m pretty sure that I want a career in the field of psychology, I thought that this program would help me sort of determine what type of career in psychology that I want to go in. This program just really seemed up my alley so it interested me right away. What I am hoping to get out of Summer Bridge is just more of a solid foundation on [the different types] of careers in psychology. Also, I hope to just get a lot of experience and figure out the necessary steps to go into my career. I think what the ropes course had to do with working as a therapist is that there are crucial key elements involved in therapy such as trust, goal setting, teamwork, decision making, cooperation, and interaction. It also helps to build relationships and completing tasks. Meeting new people for me is pretty chill. I’m a people person so I like meeting new people and getting to know them.

June 14, 2016: Ways that I identify… She/her. Xicana. Sf/Mission native. City kid. Agnostic. Giants fan. Peace-seeking. Spiritual (sometimes). Gardener. Reader. Learner. Old soul forever. Grounded. Authentic. Mess. Ally. Brave. Green party. Student. Open-minded. Freethinker. Fifth-generation Xicana on my mom’s side. Third generation Xicana on my dad’s side. Universal. Questioning. Animal lover. Cat lady. Cruelty-free shopper. Ambivert. Coffee/tea lover. Confused state. ENFJ.

Every accomplishment comes with a decision to try.

— Carl Jung

My family [has a] very indifferent view on psychology/therapy. In my immediate family, with my dad suffering from bipolar disorder and depression, he sort of had to see a psychiatrist. But when I was younger and sort of knew that I needed to see a therapist, my mom didn’t really believe me and just sort of thought that I was faking a mental illness so I didn’t go. But last year, when I went through a certain situation, my parents made me see a therapist. I think that’s when they sort of learned that therapy is a useful/helpful thing. But with my outside family. they view therapy as the type of a thing that only “crazy” people go through, and/or they see it as being weak if you go to therapy.

My name is Alexis.
I am not your token Xicana.
I will not speak Spanish on command for your amusement.
I do not have to prove to you how Mexican or American I am.
If I want to eat frijoles and make tortillas hecho a mano on the daily, I freely will.
If I want to eat a salad and sit at a coffee shop with the hipsters, I will do so freely.
If my sentences transition from Inglés a Español, voy hacerlo con ease.
I will spread my wings freely, not being held [back] in your box of stereotypes.

June 22nd, 2016: It is useful to diagnose people as having a mental illness because it helps with figuring out a treatment [plan for them]. But labeling people could also potentially sort of increase the likelihood of them continuing to act in a manner that is tied to their diagnosis. If someone I know is struggling with a mental illness, I would provide them with unconditional support. But I would also talk to them and refer them to a professional. I know a lot of people who have mental health issues. Looking at it from a sort of general standpoint, it has impacted me in many different ways. It’s made me sort of more aware of [seeing the] different signs in different mental illnesses + has given me different perspectives so I’m able to help a person out more. But my dad being bipolar has sort of impacted me in the way that I’m sort of scared of ending up like him because I know that certain situations can sometimes trigger an episode. But I don’t want to be depressed and bipolar, that’s too much to handle honestly. (LOL I AM LITERALLY LAUGHING OUT LOUD. GIRL. Little did I know that I was right my whole life about being bipolar and that I would start a blog about being bipolar. What are the odds?!)

Side note: I really enjoyed the SOLVE panel. Hearing their stories and hearing them talk about how the combination of therapy and medication really just opened my eyes (I’ve only ever gone through therapy, but that was for a totally different reason than me having depression). I’ve always sort of been “scared” of going on medication because I know how difficult it can be to find the right “one” and I never want to be numb. But as I was saying, the panel really opened my eyes. Now I just don’t know how to go about it. Do I just find a psychiatrist? Also, I know I can always go back to my old therapist, but he was weird and I always dreaded going to my appointments. I don’t know, I’m just confused, lol. (Baby Alexis would be so happy to know that she actually did get on medication and had a decent experience with them. Yay!)

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Week 4, date unknown, Helping Professions: People in the helping professions do a lot of things to help people. Some examples would be talk therapy, providing support, and a safe place. The licensure that I’m mostly leaning towards is an MFT. I think? I’m interested in getting a PsyD but not really. I want to look more into what schooling/licensure is necessary to become a sexologist since that sort of really is my “true calling.”

Week 5, date unknown, Education: I think what really sort of calls me to sexology is really just how human sexuality and relationships have always sort of fascinated me and I’ve always been passionate about learning more about the two. Just being able to really study people’s sexual behaviors, feelings, and interactions are just something I can see myself doing and enjoying. Also, I can really see myself being happy to help individuals and couples who have sex issues in their relationship. I want to help people create a loving relationship with themselves. Idk, sexuality, love, and relationships are really what I’m passionate about (and I feel exactly the same 4 years later! Our young selves really do know what they are talking about).

I just learned that SF has an Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. Also, I’m a very open-minded nonjudgemental type of person so I just want to really help people become more open and comfortable with talking about sex.

Questions: Education is very important to my family. I’ve always been told to go to school and pursue a college education. Plus, since I’m the baby of the family, they sort of have higher expectations for me because my siblings never finished college. My basic education goals are to finish my two years of general ed at a community college then transfer to a 4-year college. Then eventually get a master’s or Ph.D. Career-wise, I’m not really sure. I can see myself as a sexologist, but I can also see myself as an MFT or also even a college counselor.

Week 6, Therapy: Therapy can be different from talking to a friend in the sense that therapy can be goal-oriented and obviously, it’s with a licensed professional. A therapist is trained to really help you with your “issue.” A particular population that I’m interested in working with is adults. I don’t really see myself working with children or teenagers. And if I do focus on couples, then it sort of works out because I don’t have to work with kids/gremlins (LOL at myself not knowing that four years later, I would be working at a church nursery as a caretaker. I miss my kids!). The style of therapy that I’m most interested in is CBT. With my personal experience with CBT, it really helped me become a happier/better person. But this week helped me realize that I actually do want/prefer to work with adults, which is something that I never put too much thought into. I really do feel like once I do become an MFT, my focus would be on adults and sexuality. But I think it would be worthwhile to talk one-on-one with a couples therapist/sexologist just to learn more in-depth about the career.

I finally messaged the guy who I was talking to for a little bit but then he just started being very distant, ignoring, and canceling plans. But either way, it just gave me some closure to just text him and tell him that it was nice talking to him, but if he wants to stop then I understand. But he never replied, lol. It just showed me his true self and I’m definitely okay with him not being in my life anymore. It just irked me how he couldn’t just voice his feelings or whatever. I guess that’s just a guy thing to not reply back to people. ANYWAYS, I got that over with and I’m happy about that. (Now this entry made me laugh because even years after this, I was still dealing with the same type of guys up until this freaking year. I just don’t get why men can be so incapable of communicating! You know you want to talk so just get over your fear and be a mature human. But that’s just my opinion lol. I’m just tired of dealing with people who can’t be honest! I’m also a little tired of always making the first move. Sigh.)

You are a strong independent woman who don’t need a man but deserves a good man that can raise you up! And if that don’t work, your sisters are always there 🙂

— The kindest and most loveliest person that I know, Peggy!!

Anywho, I had [some] ideas over the weekend about what I would like to look more into, 1. look at the effects that different strains of marijuana have on people and see if that strain has positive/negative side effects because different strains can really affect people so differently. Why? 2. Coming from the post-traumatic stress perspective, looking at how that affects the current population that is witnessing all the police brutality that is currently happening. I don’t know. (damn, 4 years later and we are STILL dealing with police brutality. ACAB, forever.)

Week 7, date unknown, Self-help: Three things I am grateful for: family, friends, life. Some things that I do when I’m stressed out are crying, vent to my friends, cuddle with my cats, listen to music very loudly, and walk. Then when I sort of de-stress a little bit, I evaluate whatever is sort of causing me stress and figure out how to tackle the problem… Endings are always so bittersweet for me. Me just being a very people person, I just hope people stay in contact (which is easier now because of social media). Anywho, thanks for being such a marvelous person, Peggy. You really made a mark on my life. Thank you for your time and patience. Continue being you boo. You may or may not realize that we completely adore you. And you’re one of our favorite people, tbh.

Week 8, date unknown, Final: My favorite part of Summer Bridge was meeting so many different people and growing with them these past 8 weeks. One new thing I learned about the field of psychology is that there are so many career paths to go down. And you don’t necessarily need a shit ton of years of schooling to become someone. One goal I would like to set for myself is to just get an MFT license and be happy in my life.

The final presentation, therapist to the couple: What are your main issues? What issues are most important? Do you want a divorce? How do you truly feel about the relationship? What bothers you about your spouse? Are you satisfied with your intimacy? Are you seeing someone new? What are your expectations of counseling? What are the reasons that you want to work things out? Are there any past conflicts that need to be resolved? Do you feel as if you can communicate with your spouse? Do you feel accepted? How do you see the future? Are you willing to change to make improvements?

Your ability to stay open is a great strength although I’m sure at times it feels like too much… stay open! I know you have what it takes to navigate the ups + downs of this thing we call life and do it with a killer soundtrack.

— Peggy, I love you! Thank you for being so amazing.

RAMS Summer Bridge was one of my favorite experiences to this day. I think it was the first time I ever had an experience that was filled with nothing but positivity and support from everyone around. I made some great friends and loved every second of it. It was the first time where I was completely fearless because I was totally in my element, psychology. it really does make my heart so happy! I got my first psychology textbook (college level) when I was in middle school and I think that just goes to show you how I have always known what my dreams were.

Here’s to following our dreams! May the world become a brighter place as we uplift each other and raise our vibrations together.

XoXo,

Alexis 🙂

I am wishing out loud!

Lol, so I was cutting out images from magazines to do some manifestation vision boards and came across this article about a 41-year-old woman, Kristina Kuzmic, who decided to one day start doing things that made her happy which meant being able to share her recipes and give moms a good laugh. So she started a blog!!! And now she has her own book, Hold on, But Don’t Hold Still. It’s just so funny that I randomly come across this article when just a few days ago I became solidified in my decision to follow my dreams. And my dreams are endless! Right now, I just want to devote my little heart to doing everything that makes me happy. Writing. Photography. Cooking. Gardening. Being with my loved ones. Just vibing with the universe as I go step by step along my life path. Which feels really crazy to say but feels so freaking right. I guess it just feels so weird saying it because it’s just something I never even thought about taking seriously because I didn’t really believe in myself as much as I do now. It is taking everything in my own power to solely listen to what I think about myself and my choices. I am turning my fear of failure into even more inspiration to do what makes me happy and it feels so good. I’m honestly just so excited that I’m choosing to do this now at such a young age. It isn’t easy to heal yourself and do a whole 180º in your life by facing the demons in your closet. It takes a lot of strength to look at yourself in the mirror and take responsibility for how your life is, for better or for worse. But I freaking did it and I continue to do so every day. I am just so proud of myself 🙂 Alexis a few months ago was way too humble about her accomplishments. But we all deserve to celebrate each and every joy in our life, no matter how small they might seem. Remember to have perspective when looking at your guts. They may seem really gooey to you but your guts are probably fuzzy to someone else.

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I hope you all choose to follow your dreams each and every day. You deserve all the blessings and greatness. Don’t forget to thank the universe too! 🙂 The fact that the song “These Dreams” by Heart just came on shuffle. If you were asking for a sign, this is it.