Hey Siri girl, can you please play “You Sexy Thing” by Hot Chocolate!

Something happened the other day that I totally brushed off as if it wasn’t some big deal. I was talking to my BFF, Larva, about how I’ve been recently. I was telling her how I have finally truly become one with the universe. It actually happened in a pretty quick span of time if you think about it. I only just started being aware of my life last October. It just turned May so it hasn’t even been a whole year yet. A lot has happened during that time! The most important change is that of learning the importance of controlling one’s thoughts. When you have a mental illness, you have this little evil monster in your head telling you the foulest things one can ever tell themselves. It gets really dark pretty fast. You get trapped in a never-ending rabbit hole. I went to therapy and learned the power of cognitive-behavioral therapy. After years of therapy and soul searching, I finally made it out of that damn rabbit hole.

It’s the most refreshing experience I have ever had. I can take in a big gasp of air for the first time ever. I can stop and smell the roses people are always talking about for once in my freaking life guys! I no longer wish to die. I don’t even joke about wanting to die anymore! I noticed that I correct myself when the words start to roll off my tongue. I never even thought about being able to do that. Those closest to me know just how miserable I was. I don’t even recognize that girl I used to be. I used to spend every second of my life just wishing to gain the strength to end my life. I don’t really regret that part of my life either and I can’t force others to make the same changes I did. I’ve always been an advocate for people having the right to end their own life and it not being a crime, sin, or seen as a negative. I understand why people do it. I was that person. I understand how dark life can get, but I also understand how bright life can be as well. I believe it’s a pretty shitty thing to tell someone who is suicidal that it is “selfish” of them to end their life if they do choose to do so. If you aren’t in that person’s head 24/7, then you have no right to tell them that they have to live just so others can feel okay. Death is complicated in every way but it just shouldn’t be so negative. Anyways back to my main point, I don’t want to kill myself anymore!!! I used to beg the universe to just end my life so I didn’t have to do it. I begged for it all to just end because I couldn’t take the thoughts any longer. It makes me cry just looking back at how dark my world used to be. I knew I was loved and supported, but nothing matter because I had a mental illness that got in my way of being able to enjoy anything.

I believed, or at least hoped, that I would live a short life. It’s really something I felt deep inside me. To be honest, I do feel a lot of guilt for putting everyone around me in so much stress. I’m not sure if I ever properly thanked them but I hope they know just how much I appreciate all that they have ever done for me. I feel as if I got in the way of them being able to fully enjoy their life because they were always worried about me. I would tell them every single day that I wanted to die and that I really just had no will to live. It’s a pretty stressful thing to deal with and I know it wasn’t easy for them but they did it without me asking because they cared for me! And by the grace of the universe, I was able to change my life for the better. It was definitely not just one single action of mine that got me here. It took relentless determination and shedding of the most painful trauma layers to get here. I have had to face the ugliest parts of myself that I didn’t even know existed. I had to let go of my ego in order to approach this life thing with an open heart and mind. But I was able to find the most talented creative outspoken brilliant healer in between those shadows. I got a sneak peek of her throughout the years but this time I decided to go after her and pull her out of the dredges. I pulled her out and we became one, one with the universe!

So here I am happy, not depressed, sort of taking my medications regularly, emotionally/mentally stable, and grateful for all that is around me. Thank you for everyone who is part of my life journey, I love you all! Sorry, I have an attitude sometimes and that it’s rare for me to show my affection towards you. I am working on it! But thank you for being so patient 🙂

Also holy geez, I am going into my 22nd year of life next month mentally stable, how effing beautiful is that! Now I’ll take that as a birthday gift from my ancestors! I cannot wait to see what the rest of the year will bring.

“Anyways…” —Alexis Gutierrez, some bipolar girl always writing on this blog of hers