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The Mental Breakdown That Led to a Turning Point In My Mental Health

“Trust in the divine because everything you went through had to happen for you to be here today. Appreciate those events.” — My BFF, Solangel

On October 15th, 2019, I had a mental breakdown. Not my first one but it was one that catapulted me into getting my freaking mental health in order. Leading up to the breakdown, I was running on zero sleep for 24+ hours. I decided to take some A**erall the night before so that I could stay up all night finishing homework. I do NOT recommend doing that. It might work for others but it almost killed me. Not the medicine itself but the act of not sleeping while one’s mental health is crap. It was really scary. I vividly remember the fear I felt.

I was scared for myself. I reached a point where I honestly lost my will to live, I just wanted to end my life. My world came crashing down in an instant. The impending doom that I dreaded for so long showed up right at my doorstep just to gift me a rude awakening. All I could do was cry uncontrollably while Sol held me in her arms. While I was wanting to kill myself, I had to deal with the reality of things like having to call out of work and miss class.

*One thing I would like to say is that the education system needs to change. Students should not receive any backlash for missing class, let alone missing class for an emergency. I’m just saying, the last thing I wanted to worry about when I was breaking down was my damn statistics professor dropping my grade because I wasn’t going to be able to turn an assignment in. Saddening to say the very least. I’ve been dealing with mental health issues since middle school. All I ever received was crap for missing so many days of school but no one ever thought to ask me what was wrong. Why do we penalize students for missing class? I’ve had many personal and family obligations come up in my daily life that stopped me from attending school every day. I’ve had professors tell me that even if there is a death or your house is on fire, that we must STILL show up to class or our grades will be affected. What type of shit is that?! The amount of classes I have failed or dropped because of my mental health is pretty saddening but hey, at least I’m still alive. Anyways, mental health resources need to be more widely available and schools/professors need to be f*cking patient with their students.*

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That day is where the “bettering of my well-being” journey began. I had to get over my fear of seeking help. I had to get on the phone to call for a drop in an appointment. I had to get over the fear of letting my mom into my mental health life. I had to open up to my friends about what was happening because I didn’t want to be alone. Everything was so new to me that I needed their support to hold onto.

I met a new doctor that day, Dr. Pickle. It’s pretty weird having to go up to a professional stranger and be like “hey so I really want to kill myself right now but I know I shouldn’t so I need some type of help right now.” Dr. Pickle was amazing and let me speak. It was nice and comforting. I was prescribed Wellbutrin and Gabapentin that day. As helpful as Dr. Pickle was, I was still thrown into an unknown world. Doctors are helpful but they don’t get in-depth about the ins and outs of this new life of daily medications. Luckily, there’s Reddit, lol. I wish I had some extra guidance from a professional.

*The “funny” thing about breakdowns are that well, they are really intense in your head, obviously. But no one else has your brain so they can only halfway understand what you are trying to explain to them. The transition between chaos and the odd calmness of reality is an interesting thing to feel. It’s like this, I was breaking down and was crying nonstop. I had to gather myself, get serious and wipe my tears so that I could get on the phone with the office so that I could go home and get my insurance card so that I could do these very human things while something that felt inhuman was going on in my head. I guess the best way to describe it is that your internal hell doesn’t match what you are experiencing externally and that is pretty trippy sometimes, at least to me. It further disconnects you from reality because you feel like an alien tripping out so much while life just keeps on doing its thing. Your world completely stops while everyone else’s continues. Very strange.*

Everything after that appointment is pretty much a big blur. All I know is that after that day, I started caring about myself for once. I guess I unknowingly proved to myself that I actually did want to live. I had to do a whole 180 in my life. I had to cut out dr*gs and alcohol from my life, which wasn’t easy because I had just turned 21 4-months prior and I was having the time of my life being an “invincible” adult. That cloak of invincibility didn’t last very long, obviously. I had to start a regular daily routine, consistent sleeping schedule, and consistent physical activity. I had to cut back on my hours at work. I went from working 30+ hours to 15-20 hours. I had to drop one of my classes because I just couldn’t catch back up after everything fell apart. I couldn’t party like how my friends were doing. I had to reach out to my dad for financial help, something I hated having to do.

*The situation with my dad caused even more emotional turmoil for me. We had dinner with my grandparents and I spent the whole time crying in the back of the restaurant while everyone just watched the madness going on. I had to go through a whole humiliation process just so I could get help to pay for my classes. It was an experience, to say the least, a hurtful one. It boggles my mind how someone can have a mental illness themselves but not help their own child through their personal mental illness recovery. WILD.*

I kicked my life into high gear to grab a hold of it. I threw it all up in the air to pick it apart and realize what areas of my life needed changing. I did that. It wasn’t easy but my longing for some sense of inner peace kept me hanging on for dear life. It was a very difficult process but I had support all around me. Even little flings that I had at the time were very understanding and lent some helpful ears. My family dynamics started to change too. Honestly, everything was changing fast and it felt really uncomfortable but also normal at the same time.

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The breakdown taught me how to be my own advocate. Honestly, writing about this for the first time in-depth is bringing up some uncomfortable feelings. I fucking SAVED myself guys. I fucking did that. If only I could explain every little detail of my life that I was able to change. All I can tell you is that I will never be that Alexis anymore. I have made it a point in my life to better myself every single damn day. I refuse to be unhappy. I’m saying goodbye to old Alexis, forever. I will continue doing that every day because I am ever-evolving.

Saying goodbye to old Alexis means also saying goodbye to my old personality, my past traumas, and my old ways of settling for less than I deserve. For so long, I lived for other people. I did everything that people told me to do, I didn’t listen to my inner voice one bit. I longed for some sense of wholeness so much that I bent myself over backwards for people who didn’t give two craps about me. But now well, your girl has standards now. For myself and my future partner.

For so long, I didn’t value myself the way I should have. Me not valuing myself only created more issues in my life. I didn’t believe that I was worthy of peace and love. I didn’t trust myself which only manifested into me not being able to trust others. Once I began the inner healing, I started to trust myself more and more each day because I was starting to disconnect my level of worth to how people treated me.

I have learned how to love myself unconditionally thus allowing me to freely and unconditionally love others. I learned how to love fearlessly by having set boundaries and limits for myself so that I can protect my sacred energy. I did not work this hard and long on myself to became who I am today just to have some low vibrational person come into my life who brings no value or benefit.

If you decide to love someone, surrender your heart. Remove the guards and relinquish their shields. You need to feel this thoroughly. Love was never meant to be safe or measured, so love irrationally. Jump off a cliff without considering consequence. Love specifically. Pay attention to the smaller details of the bigger picture. Love unconditionally, because there will be days when you don’t like her, but the love must remain and in the event that love breaks you, let it break. Do not close yourself off or shut yourself down. Your heart will be shaped and reshaped. But, in the end, it will still be yours. As humans, we are blessed with the skill of adaptation. It’s kept us here for eons. You will adapt.

—Miles Carter

Mucho, mucho amor!

Alexis