Blog Posts

Thriving and Vibing

Hey Siri, play “I Wouldn’t Want to Be Like You” by The Alan Parsons Project

Well my blog, I missed you so much. I wasn’t intending on taking a break from you but during my time away, I have grown so much. It’s been a good two weeks since the last time I have written on here! It’s not that I didn’t try to write. It’s just that every time I did try to write, it just never felt right. I would start some drafts with interesting titles thinking “maybe this time I will be able to get some words to paper,” yet to my surprise, nothing came out. I have become a person who doesn’t force themselves to write so I wasn’t going to get upset with myself for not having written a post. Instead, I just focused on doing some more journaling rather than typing. Turns out, the time away from my blog is just what I had needed.

One big lesson that I have learned is simply moderation and balance. Too much of anything can be bad and you can get tired of it real quick. Not enough of something keeps you in a state of feeling not good enough. My brain naturally leans towards the “all-or-nothing” thinking so I tend to be really hard on myself. But with time, I have become more gentle with myself, leaving room for comfort and growth.

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I had asked Sol the other day, “what would you tell yourself last year knowing what you know now?” And I absolutely loved her response, but I’ll keep that just between us. As for me, I actually surprised myself with my answer. I would tell the version of Alexis that I was last year that she is most definitely on the right track. I’d tell her to not be so hard on herself and to not listen to the criticisms of her family. They aren’t happy if I do school full-time, they aren’t happy if I work at a church, they aren’t happy if I work on mental health, and well, they aren’t happy with anything I do and that is OKAY. Someone is always going to have an opinion about your life but guess what, it literally holds zero sustenance because they aren’t live YOUR life. I am at a loss for trying to understand why so many people project their self-conscious issues onto others.

A year ago this week, I had my mental breakdown. In just one year, a broken home baby was able to turn her life around for the better. Despite all the odds and naysayers, I have proved to myself that it is in fact possible to live your dream life. After having wanted to end my life for so long, this is the first time in my life that I have found a reason to live. And I don’t think I will ever get over that because this thing of wanting to live was a goal of mine and I have met it.

Some days though, I feel like I’m being haunted by a cloud of depression just waiting to let the storm break free. There are times where I’m left to face two choices, to take a hard U-turn and go back down the rabbit hole of safety or to keep going along this unknown path in hopes that I fulfill my destiny. Something that I’m working on now is finding a cushion for my thoughts to go to in to during tough times instead of my brain just skipping straight to wanting to end my life. And see I’m not exactly sure why my brain does that, but I’ll get to the bottom of it eventually.

I believe it just goes back to my whole idea that if I’m not happy with my life then I really so no reason in living. I just don’t see a point in staying trapped in a life where you aren’t being your truest self. Of course there are so many extenuating circumstances that may influence one’s way of life but at the end of the day, you’re the only one living your life. As I have come to learn, people are always going to have some shit opinion about your life. You could be the most compassionate person yet there will still be people, like my family, who find a reason to call you unkind and not compassionate. My point being, people are always going to find something to say about your life so since that is the case, you might as well say fuck it all and live the life YOU want. Let go of the life that society molded for you and leave it in the past.

I’ve committed to making myself happy every single day. I’ve been learning a lot about self-responsibility lately and it’s a topic that has become part of my own morals. I truly believe the world would be a much kinder environment for us all to be in if we simply took responsibility for our own thoughts, actions, words, and all that fun stuff. There is so much room for confusion and resentment when we make other people responsible for our own happiness, or any other emotion if you will. We give away our own power, thus making it that much easier to lose sight of our own life path.

Here are some of my journal entries from the last two weeks:

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Well I must get ready for my day. Sol and I are going out to buy some gardening stuff so we can brighten up my front yard. Super exciting! Oh yeah, a little personal life update, so I stopped using social media, like frfr. Before, I would take breaks for a week or two and then go back, in hopes that I was in control of how social media affects me. And as much as I can control how I feel, I was just getting really tired of always comparing myself to others. Plus, it’s just so much nicer to be moving in silent and not having to worry how others perceive your life. I just like being in the present and well, finally listening to my psychiatrist about not being on social media.

I’m currently listening to “Pursuit of Happiness” by Kid Cudi as I sit here doing my makeup and a sudden realization came over me. This past year was the first time in my life where I dedicated time to my own well-being. I stopped overextending myself to bring that energy back within myself. All the little pieces of myself that I had given away over the span of my life, I was now starting to recollect those pieces to build myself back up. I have seen so much growth and progress within myself. I can say for a fact that I am a whole different person than I was a year ago, hell, even a week ago! Despite all the good I have done for myself, my family has still never once stopped criticizing me. And that’s okay. Because i honestly don’t care, LOL. I LOVE that I am a person who is self aware and in love with myself, unlike so many people in today’s world who are so unhappy with themselves that they feel the need to belittle others.

I have plans to execute and dreams to make come true, I don’t have time to care about anybody’s opinion over my life. And thank fucking god I am who I am today.

XoXo,

Alexis