Blog Posts

Trying To Thrive Rather Than Survive

Now playing: “Que Nadie Sepa Mi Sufrir” by La Sonora Dinamita

Omg, y’all. I have been struggling with posting one of my writings. Or maybe I’m not struggling and I’m forcing myself to post when I should be going with the flow. I’ve got all these drafts almost ready to be posted but when I get around to finishing them, I get so self-critical that I’m like mmm maybe I should just scratch the whole thing? But I don’t want to scratch the whole thing, I just want to post it. But I also don’t want to post anything without making it make sense for you all. When I write for myself, I’m more of a bullet point paragraph person rather than the type of writing we’re taught in school. I jump from topic to topic. And I don’t necessarily want to be doing that on my blog. I want my work to be free-flowing as one piece. Honestly, I’m still figuring out how I want my blog to be laid out and how I want to articulate my words. All I can say is thank you for your patience as I take steps towards my dreams.

So my brother got me these cool hydroponic tulips!!!! He also got me some RAW cones (they’re so good for packing different herbs such as chamomile and lavender) and a donut. How nice right? Little gifts just because. I really appreciated that. My brother and I are close but we aren’t emotionally open with each other. But since I’m trying to help people heal their family bonds, I have to start with my own family first. Which honestly, I wasn’t pleased about it, lol. But I was talking to the universe and I realized that maybeeee I am sometimes a little bit of a brat. But more so because I’m put into these leadership roles but then, on the other hand, my bratty self is like “why do I have to do it first?” Like hello, newsflash Alexis, to be a leader is to be someone who walks the first steps that someone has yet to walk. I could easily say no and just wait around for someone else to do the thing first but then that’s when I get frustrated with myself even more! Because I wait around waiting for a person to do something when I shouldn’t even have expectations of them in the first place. If I want to do or say something, I should just take that moment of inspired action and move with that feeling right in that second.

This is the part of my logical side that gets my anxiety going. I get this moment of inspired action yet I hesitate on moving forward with it because I worry about ~consequences~. But if I just waste my time thinking about the what if’s and all the possible outcomes, I miss the moment to LIVE and EXPERIENCE what that moment is actually trying to teach me. I think relying on solely logic for every decision comes from a place of wanting control. When you take your time analyzing something through logic, you don’t give the universe a chance to work its magic. You’re telling the universe that it doesn’t know what’s best and that you would much rather stay in your comfort zone than actually grow and learn.

Maybe it’s just learning that the complexity of our human emotions is what keeps us up at night riddled with anxiety. And the fear of the unknown consequences is pretty damn frightening. And that’s what stops us from progressing, our fear of the unknown. We get scared of the dark so we don’t move forward. We try to act as if we don’t hear our heart talking to us but we do. When we get quiet and just sit, we can hear what our heart is saying. The consequences don’t involve just physical consequences, they also involve emotional ones as well. And I don’t say consequences as a good or bad thing, just a neutral thing because neither is positive or negative, it just is. So it just being just is, humans complicate that just is-ness by adding their personal views about how a situation can go. Humans don’t even give the situation a chance to play out before they already make assumptions about what is going to happen. It’s the uncomfortableness that gets us stuck.

See I just feel as if it’s my duty as a psych major and someone who loves the complexity of the brain and being a human, that it’s my duty to uncomplex the brain? To understand the complexities and go the opposite way/way to simplicity. Now that I’m understanding the universe, I can see that I had to go through all these different experiences in my life, even if I didn’t think I would make it out alive, as to be able to learn from that to use in after situations.

I need to shift from an analytical perspective by balancing it with a divine feminine (DF) energy. It’s like I have the empathy and emotion, but the analytical part of me is what stops me in my tracks of being honest. There comes a point where my mind can’t take me any further and that’s where my heart needs to be infused. With air energy, we can become fixated on a situation. The wisdom of the DF knows how to flow with the energies of the universe, knows how to let the divine guide them, and trust their intuition and emotions to have an influence over how things unfold. Basically, my environment made me into a analytical nut job but who I am and want to be is a non linear thinker.

I’m just trying to self master myself. To be that eagle eye for myself. To be that voice of many perspectives for myself. To get all that safety and confirmation within me.

I realized that when I’m not completely satisfied with myself as in, anxiety came through to say hello, I pretty much just retreat into solitary without much explanation. So now I’ve been feeling guilty about not replying to my friends but then it’s like yo well it’s also already been a whole month since they first messaged me, should I even still reply? But I know I should reply because even when I try to let go of the thought, it comes back to remind me that not replying isn’t the route to go. I’m learning that I actually do have the energy to talk to people, it’s just hard to talk when there’s so much left unsaid. Ugh.

OMG! Btw, I found a journal of mine from back in 2009! There are only like 4 little entries but it’s just like awww, my child self has always been trying to document her life. I’ve always wanted to be a writer but I’ve had to learn to believe that I can do that and so much more. I’ve always been connected to my destiny.

Not going to lie, I’m a homebody but I MISS going out and looking cute. I miss getting dressed up and looking so god damn fine just because I can. I had bought these cute outfits thinking I was going to get the man of my dreams last year just for my celibacy to be extended longer than I initially had thought it would go. But alas, I’ve survived. I do miss having romantic connections but at the same time, I am also very content with being single right now. I’m also just figuring out what the fuck is going on with my dating life in general.

Let me talk about my dating life because it truly has been a topic that has been on my mind as of recently. I love love right. Love is the highest frequency and it’s something we should all embody at all times. In short, I just freaking hope I’m not the person out here (and I know I’m not) that is just done with the dating life and is looking for something more along the lines of commitment. I’ve had my fair share of rendezvous and at this point in my life, I’m just looking for someone to share experiences with. Then there’s the perspective of someone saying “Oh you’re only 22 you don’t know what you’re talking about,” but if that person with that type of perspective were to understand the laws of the universe, they would understand that some people actually do know what the hell they are talking about, despite being young in comparison to the human linear timeline. My point being, at the same time of knowing what I want, I am also spreading my arms wide open to allow in all that the universe has to offer me because I know I’ve done the work needed to bring in what I am dreaming of.

Maybe I’m just oblivious or something but I swear I can never tell when someone is flirting with me. I took my niece out for lunch the other day and our order got messed up. No biggie, it was fixed right away. But the words that came out of my nieces mouth just made me laugh. This 11 year old girl really said, “He only got our order wrong because he was too busy staring at you.” And the entire time I just thought to myself, how could she notice something that many of my friends have pointed out to me but I myself have somehow remained so clueless to? Which then gets my brain thinking, so if all these little boys can have the time to stare and just make googly eyes at me, what stops them from actually being confident enough to idk, spark a conversation with me? It’s not like I’m intimidating. When you see me out in public driving, you literally see me just jamming out to my music, singing at the top of my lungs, with my right arm out the sunroof as to connect with the wind and sun. I’m a really approachable person I would say! The ego in me likes to get anxious but I know it’s all just circumstances that are being coordinated behind the scenes. I think the reason these boys have been so shy is just that lol, they’re just not meant to hit on me because my soul knows I really don’t want to waste any of my time. And it’s not that I’m wasting my time by talking to people, it just literally brings me zero fulfillment to continue something with a person I truly know I do not want in my life for the long run.

One could easily say, “But Alexis, how do you know that they aren’t supposed to be in your life if you don’t give them the chance?” And that’s where I reassure myself and everyone concerned about my dating life that I most certainly do give people more than enough chances to start an open dialogue with me. I just can’t expect people to meet me at a level that they themselves are not ready to be at. So that’s where I thank the universe for my time alone as all the forces in nature bring me someone that is aligned with my soul.

One topic I want to get into one day is the topic of straight white males in the field of Psychology and the certain biases that they seem to forget to take into account when attempting to be a voice of wisdom and reason. It became very clear to me that when my therapist (an older white male) dared to minimize my experiences, that there is still SO much work that needs to be done in not just this field, but every field across the board. He became blind to his own biases when he associated my level of emotions with my gender.

*Do you know how sad it is to be a WOC to be so interested in a specific field but have no examples of anyone like her doing what she wants to do? How freaking amazing it must be for colonizers to learn about their history nationwide while POC have to filter through the layers of lies (spread by the oppresors) to find some sort of truth concerning our history. If anything, I’m simply not killing myself because I owe it to my fellow POC to be that change and proof they need to believe in themselves wholeheartedly. I want to be that Latino last name that people read in textbooks! I just want to bring light to the talents of all the beautiful people.*

Here is one video that discusses how one well-known white cis male is allowed to say some ridiculous things simply because he has a pretty big following. https://youtu.be/Wc49BXf9Lpw

On a more personal note, I’ve been keeping myself from having a mental breakdown when it comes to technology. I just get so frustrated when things decide to just stop working. Typing about this is getting me amped up lol. It’s like I grew up in a world with technology but my brain cannot wrap my head around coming up with solutions to errors I encounter. It’s just like, cmon, how often to I need to take my laptop to get repaired? Like I might as well not even be on any type of technology but it’s a pandemic and I have school! Anyway, let me just be grateful that I can even have these type of luxuries in the first place. Nevertheless, I’m frustrated, lol. It is taking everything in me to not throw my laptop across the room. For now, I have just decided to breathe, and fucking pray to the universe because I am so tired of the unreliability of technology. Watch all my devices hear me and get mad that I called them unreliable. One time at my old job, I told my coworker “Wouldn’t it be wild if the computer just shut off?” And literally within seconds, it shut off! And I was told that the computer never does that! So what’s up with technology going off when I’m around? Okay maybe I’m dramatic but this is is just me venting about a big frustration in my privileged life.

XoXo,

Alexis Mariah ❤️