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Trying To Find The Balance of Life: Finally Flying

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpdtoT-78q8

“No one is more dangerously insane than one who is sane all the time: he is like a steel bridge without flexibility, and the order of his life is rigid and brittle.“

— Alan Watts

So this thing happened. I’m not even sure how it happened. Well okay, Sol did a tarot card spread for me because I wanted to figure out what blockages I may have. We basically got the answers that I already knew, I’m just a tad bit stubborn and have a little hesitation when trusting my intuition. We came to the conclusion that my blockages are myself. They come from not trusting my intuition, not giving myself enough credit, and basically just always second-guessing myself. Now I’m not exactly sure why I second guess myself so much especially when I know that every time I have trusted my intuition, life has ended up great for me. Maybe the self-doubt comes from people lying to me even after knowing that I know the truth already, I really don’t like to be made to feel dumb, it’s rude. I’m really attuned to people’s voices and body language so I can read people better than they can read themselves which is cool! But also kinda not that cool because sometimes you feel silly for thinking something.

My new normal for the last idk, 1-3 months has consisted of a really mentally stable Alexis. Which I have to give a big round of my applause to myself for managing such a thing. It hasn’t been easy, I sort of stopped taking my meds as well. Not that I don’t need them but I have just been able to manage my life without the need to rely on the pills and I really like that. Of course, if I ever feel the need to go back on the meds then I definitely will, but for now, the remission phase is enjoyable.

I was unknowingly victimizing myself for so long. No one really explains to you the different examples of ways one may victimize themselves, and I don’t really have a list myself either. But I can tell you how I was victimizing myself. See whenever I heard that term, I always thought it looked like a really depressed person who was constantly having a self pity party and just the usual woe is me. But the way I was victimizing myself was so different. I was unknowingly keeping myself as a victim because I was still so fearful of any type of hurt. Considering my past consists of a lot of pain and trauma, I was really believing that that is all life has to offer me. That I am not allowed to enjoy the good things in life because something bad might happen so I might as well just stay unhappy forever.

When I was really depressed, basically my teen years up until I turned 22, I was so used to never having any energy. My normal was not having the energy, the will, or even the desire to move my body. There was nothing to incentivize me to want to live or even to try and enjoy some part of life. That was my normal. But I have had to come out of that mindset each and every day that I do end up having a good day. My new normal is me having tons of energy. But my old habits are the things that really do hold me back from having a consistent level of energy every day just because well, I have never had a life like this! I’m learning every day what it means to live a mentally stable life. I’m just going with the flow and learning as I go.

“Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is.”

— Albert Camus

I am learning every day what it means to be able to not stress and being able to focus on all aspects of my life in a healthy balanced manner. I’m learning how to balance the pieces of my pie of life and wow, it is interesting. The one truth of life that I have had to resistingly accept is just the simple fact that there will always be good and bad. Too much of either can lead to a bad result. But just enough of both makes such a beautiful creation. Not too sweet and not too sour, just right.

No one teaches you how to balance your life! Or even what it means to have a balanced life. Or even how to notice if some part of your life is out of balance. Honestly, no one teaches you any of it so I’ve honestly just been winging it. My best most simple advice to find balance in your life is just to find what makes you happy and not having too much or too little of anything. Don’t give too much of your time away but it is also important to make time for those closest to you, the ones that you love, and cherish so deeply. I know for me having a good work-life balance has always been a journey because I have a tendency to immerse myself completely in work things all while leaving myself out of the equation. And that wasn’t healthy at all. I was completely unhappy with myself because I wasn’t doing anything that made my heart happy. I was also working under people which I have never enjoyed, it was really killing my soul.

I’ve had to learn how to protect my energy as well, to not give too much of myself away to anyone!

Okay I took a few days away from society and just well, spent my time either in nature or just watching all the romantic movies that my heart desires. I’ve unknowingly just been really going through it mentally, but not even in a bad way. For once in my life, I literally just stopped hating myself. For a few moments over the course of the last few days, there were times for any certain amount of time where I was seriously living in the moment and not feeling guilty about not being “productive.” One of my biggest enemies is my own self-doubt and it can be pretty hell most of the time. But I’m working on it! Like constantly because I refuse to live a life where I am not happy. I was there before and I wanted to die every single second. I deserve to be freaking happy and that is one of my goals every day.

To my surprise, you have to actually work towards maintaining your happiness. I wasn’t too happy coming to terms with that lol. Now I’m not sure if that goes for everyone but I’m pretty sure it would. Who knows, we’ll find out some way. It still shocks me when I’m reminded that lol not everyone has trauma and some people really do live a life without a mental illness. Of course, we all have our own struggles that we deal with on an individual basis but in my case, it’s difficult for me to wrap my head around people having a stress free loving childhood. What a wild concept.

Anyways, I’m just trying to survive lol. It really does take work to maintain your well-being, No one talks about how once you begin the healing process, there’s really no getting off the train. Well, you can but I mean, it’s just wiser to go down the route where you grab hold of your life and patch of those little holes so you can just fly and vibe. It’s always like a little slap in the face to myself when I ground myself and get myself out of my head. You never know how much you really live in your head until you actually start living outside of it.

I’ve had some triggers come up today and well, I handled it so well lol. I am really proud of myself for being able to step away from my victim mindset. I haven’t had a panic attack in months. I can’t remember the last time I had a depressive episode. I’m literally laughing all the time which is so fun, it really does keep you youthful! I guess I’ve just learned that life is always just going to do it’s thing whether you want it to or not. So you might as well just live a life that you are happy with! Why waste your time being so miserable with your life if you’re going to die at the end of the day anyways!

I am working on allowing myself to feel my feelings. I’m trying to find a balance between feeling the feels, acknowledging my feelings, as well as just feel sad about the situation. I want to allow myself to ride the wave but I also don’t want to let myself drown either. I’m tough but I don’t want to be too tough where I’m super rigid. But I also don’t want to be too soft where I’m super delicate. I’m just trying to find that perfect harmonious balance where I can just ride the wave and not worry about drowning.

I am also learning to not hate myself for my college journey. It’s going but it’s not what I really had envisioned for myself. Which no fault to my own, it’s just how life played out. I’ve dealt with so much that took my focus away from school. But for the correct reasons. I couldn’t help that I was mentally distraught after the murder of my cousin in our first semester of college. I can’t help that my great-grandma has suffered multiple strokes and I have had to take time out my life so that I can be there for her as a caretaker. I can’t help that I have family obligations like a funeral or what have you that at the end of the day, are much more important to me than school. I just believe the education system has to change, there’s so much wrong with it and no student should ever feel like they have to choose between passing a class versus attending a funeral. It’s unfortunate that during my mental crisis that I felt I had no support from my school. It’s just so sad because I’m not even the only person to be in such a position, it’s completely messed up. There are so many times where a student has to choose between their personal life and their school life. There are times where I would skip class just so that I can get in some extra hours at work so that I could be able to live you know. Anyways, I’m just learning to not hate my journey but to embrace it for all its bumps and detours.

I just so look forward to the day where the world becomes so much more compassionate. I don’t understand why people want to so normalize and romanticize struggling. Come up stories are cool but jeez, life shouldn’t be so difficult and it really doesn’t have to be! Why must we constantly put our traumas up on cutting boards just so that our journies can be admired? Why can’t we just make a tad bit easier for all of us? Idk. Humans are so weird though!

Thank you for coming to my TED talk!

XoXo,

Alexis