My precious sleep was interrupted by Pepper wanting to cuddle. Hours later I’m still up. Whenever I can’t sleep I either scroll through my blog or my photos. When I look back at photos of myself, I feel such a disconnection. Maybe that’s why I like reflecting on my past writings and photos, it’s proof that I lived a completely different life than I am living now. There were many times in my life that I had believed that my mistakes would ruin my life. But years later, I’m still making mistakes, just different ones. I’m still learning how to let go of my guilt that I hold around my mistakes. I so easily offer compassion to others but I fail in reciprocating that energy towards myself. Maybe it’s a victim mentality, or maybe it’s something much deeper than that. So deep that it would take years of personal research to uncover.

This week has proven to me how fearless I am. I’ve discussed the topic of fearlessness many times yet each time it feels different. It feels different because I am different. I get over one fear just for another fear to manifest itself in a new way. The journey with fear is tiresome at times but it doesn’t withstand the incredible feeling of turning a big fear into a game of hopscotch.

I wake up every morning with an immense amount of gratitude for being alive. I give thanks to the universe and props to myself for living another day. I catch myself laughing at my vitality every day. Being a human is just so weird! I don’t think I’ll ever get over that. We have to worry about so much because literally, anything can kill us. But wouldn’t it make more sense to accept that we are biological creatures and that we are going to die one way or another. That sounds so morbid and it probably doesn’t connect but right now, it’s connecting in my brain.

Anyways it’s just weird to me that I now have to worry about things like fertility. When I got my IUD years ago, I wasn’t informed that it would affect my fertility. I was under the impression that there would be no changes to my fertility and that right after the removal, it would be easy to get pregnant if I wanted to. Then come to find out from my professor, my health is being put at risk by having an IUD. I’ve had problems with my IUD before but the doctors said it was fine because it was positioned correctly. But they didn’t tell me that 1. If your period stops for a long period of time, your bones will be affected. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18574225/ I don’t need a loss in bone density because I can’t genetically afford that as bone problems run in my family, and 2. That my fertility would be affected https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18574225/. Now I’m not trying to have kids right now seeing that I am single but I know kids are a part of my future and I just want to treat my body as a temple for them and myself. I got an IUD because I was sexually active at the time and it’s a pretty effective birth control. But holy fuck, why does my health have to be put at risk just so I can prevent an unwanted pregnancy?! I get my IUD taken out soon and I’m really looking forward to it. It’s something that I have been contemplating for years now but was always scared of the pain. The hours after I got my IUD placed were the worst hours of my life. My boyfriend at the time was driving me home and all I could do was cry in a fetal position in the passenger seat, and cry even more upon driving over a pothole. Mind you, I can handle my pain but this was some sort of otherworldly pain. Fast forward to now and I finally get to be freeeee! I get to focus on doing what is best for my fertility since doctors don’t seem to care. Which is sad though because it’s a reoccurring theme throughout history: doctors not caring about WOC patients. But that’s a topic for anothe4 day.

Last year today I was in therapy with my dad having a panic attack. Now here I am, fucking thriving. It also pointed out that finding a therapist you connect with is hard! One day though, I’ll find one.

Things really haven’t changed much. I’m an entirely different person but I still live for naps on the couch with my dogs. I truly do my best sleeping on couches. The inner child within me lives for the them.

I know I know, how can it be that one of my many captivating qualities includes cooking?! I’m a real gift honestly.

Ok off to bed I go. I was planning on waking up early but 4 hours of sleep isn’t a part of my current cycle.

Xoxo,

Alexis and her loud snoring dog, Peppa Pig