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Welcome To My Brain

12/27/2020

Here’s a little piece of my brain from this mornings revelations + more!

6:30am I woke up this morning today feeling so happy!

Damn. I really can’t kill myself huh? Like that isn’t part of my path. The universe really said Alexis we know you won’t kill yourself if you have pets. And what have I had my whole entire life since before I even came out the womb? Pets. And who are my kids? My animals. And what am I trying to save? Animals from extinctions and homeless animals. I can’t do that if I’m dead and I can’t rely on anyone after I’m dead to continue my mission so I have to do it myself. I can’t wait to just have a farm and be with my animals all day every day, just giving back to gaia and giving them the love they deserve. I’ve been wanting a farm since I was a little girl lol. Like ugh I would gladly make them my every day commitment because animals just know me. I sometimes think I’m like a Mexican Dr. Dolittle.

So this is like where I officially commit to not killing myself. Woo hoo, lol. In stressful situations, the easiest thing for my mind to do is go straight into “well I can just kill myself and not have to deal with this.” But why? Why does my brain do that? I think it’s because I truly do understand that death is just death to a vessel, not a soul. The person is always there with you, this world was just too dark for them to continue. And I understand that 100%. Society wants to label those who commit suicide as selfish or this or that. But maybe just freaking self-reflect and take the time to understand that it wasn’t an easy decision for that person, they did all they could do, and at the end of the day, they had a choice for their soul and they took it. All you can do then is just pray that their soul finds peace and bliss. You wish their soul the best and honor their memory. They aren’t gone, just in the vortex.

You know and I really like being water. I like just going with the flow. It’s so much easier for me to stay calm in stressful situations because if I let myself reach that point of stress, I go into straight flight mode and want to end my life. Don’t ask me why it’s that extreme, I’m still trying to understand my brain itself. Of course, I can only do my part to avoid stressful situations but when things happen outside of my control, I still have my own mind that I can control so that I can stay calm. It’s crazy because when you share info like this with people (like about your true mental state and thoughts), they start walking on eggshells around you as if you’re this fragile rock who might explode. And granted I very well might in fact explode but IT HAPPENS. If it happens, let it happen. All you have to do is ask the person going thru an episode what they need and listen to them. If they need space, listen, and leave. If they need water, get them that. Don’t overcomplicate it or make the situation worse by pushing your own presence.

There are situations like 9-5s that give me terrible anxiety and it literally feels like I’m torturing myself and my soul. There are concerts with overcrowded people. I get lowkey anxiety but it’s nothing where I hyperventilate. I would just honestly prefer to not be where there are hellllla people gathering. But if it’s for Beyoncé (which it wasn’t that crowded) then I can do a concert. It’s really a situation based anxiety. I can’t do parties. I just don’t enjoy being around drunk people who can’t handle their alcohol.

 My pets really fulfill me. Taking care of animals and just people in general who were forgotten about fulfills me. Giving them the love and care they deserve, the love I always needed, that fulfills me. It doesn’t really hit me until I go out into society that DAMN PEOPLE DO NOT care about others, esp animals!! People are stillllll taking life for granted. They are stillllll putting themselves on a pedestal when in actuality, all things are equal, every single object and living creature deserves the same amount of respect. And that’s when I am reminded that my life is definitely needed on this planet because there really are not enough high vibrating people. There are people who don’t recycle! There are people who don’t believe that climate change is a real thing. And here I am, really a whole Earth angel, who is worrying about if she is doing enough for the world or not. And that’s when I remind myself that I am certainly in fact doing enough.

If I weren’t able to balance myself by working from home, I would probably kill myself. It’s hard to continue to believe in your dreams and destiny when you go out into a society that you’re only 1 in idk a few hundred, thousands that are actually trying to better themselves to heal their trauma in order to be a better person to help others alike. People are so focused on greed and this weird-ass human game. They seem to fail to understand that this really is a game and we are player 1 and the universe is player 2. Y’all switch positions at times but you’re still equally creating your life. My point being, I’m just so happy to be able to work on my passions! It truly fulfills me to be present for my animals and family on a daily basis. This is what makes me want to stay alive. This is what makes me not kill myself.

I’m just learning to train my brain to stop going in the direction of “I could just kill myself.” It’s going to take some more time but no rush. I guess for this past year I’ve been teaching myself that instead of killing myself, why not just connect with Gaia and relax? So that’s basically my new brain direction that I was able to get into through rewiring my networks in this big beautiful brain of mine. So in stressful times, there are of course many options to choose from for many different reasons. But in cases where my brain is like “you can choose to be brave and be okay with the uncomfortable situation OR you can kill yourself which is much quicker and less anxiety-inducing.” That’s when I take a step back from the situation to get some air and connect with Gaia with intentions. Smoke, and be calm. How peaceful is that? 

Yesterday was a very trying day. I had an appointment at 10 but the person didn’t show up. I couldn’t get mad because there were probably so many things outside of their control. Plus their phone was off so I didn’t have any explanation. Eh whatever, it’s not the end of the world, there are bigger things to actually be upset about. AND THEN my friend was late by a few hours but ehh, I couldn’t be upset. And when I say “couldn’t” I mean like yes I am allowed to be upset BUT I would much rather use my energy to think positive about the situation. Because if I let myself go down that rabbit hole, I will get sucked right in. And good thing I didn’t get upset because they actually took a bit longer because they brought our other close friend. And boom we had an amazing day. Just interesting how the universe wanted to test me. Like, go ahead test me! I do understand I’m human and I’m not perfect so it’s okay to be bothered by something. But it’s just incredibly important to not dwell on it and to just let the situation fly. 

I’m trying to manifest people into my life who understand me when I talk about epigenetics and neuropsychopharmacology! Not just understand me but are interested! They understand what I’m trying to do and like yes it is not easy but I’m going to do it. It’s just really some freaking time that there be Latina representation in the science field. I’m so tired of watching all these TED talks and talks from the World Science Festival and it all just be primarily white males. It’s just really frustrating and honestly does make me not enjoy the talks as much because I’m like damn, imagine if a POC had the opportunity to be up there? Imagine the ideas and the community. It’s honestly been getting to me lately. Most of our sources coming from white people. But imagine all the POC names that could be getting the recognition they deserve if they just had the same opportunities as privileged people? This just reminds me of this essay I wrote in high school. It was just about white privilege in the education system. It’s just fucked and POC deserve so much more recognition. We deserve to be heard.

It’s normal for white techies to micro-dose and they’ll get podcasts, shows, and all that support and income. But if a POC, like my brown self, is talking about micro-dosing, then all of a sudden its a bad drug and they don’t know what they’re talking about. Ugh. I just SOOOOO look forward to spreading my wealth and giving back to POC communities. They deserve it, they deserve all the blessings. I just picture myself raining money on these communities and helping end poverty. I’ll be damned if I ever forget about where I came from.

Dang, I just so look forward to having a partner I can be myself with. Someone who just totally gets that my sleep cycle likes to do its own thang and I just go along with what comes naturally for that moment. 

If I wake up naturally before the sun comes out and I’m like “staying awake” it’s because I’m most likely taking the time to write since I can’t fall back asleep. I like these types of writings, they can be so profound. Very automatic.

If I’m just going with the flow of a day of no responsibilities and it’s just really like a holiday, I’ll stay in bed until 9. Just being comfy. On my regular days, I’m usually up by 7. Cleaning my room, the house just tidying up. Then that’s when I let Pepper out to be and I’ll start doing things like getting Bartholomew (I’m bird sitting a parrot!) out of his cage. I open the windows, doors. I light some incense and cleanse the house. As I walk through the house, I tidy up along the way. I’ll bring my plant babies into the bathroom so they enjoy the steam while I set up my bath tub. I’m trying to heal my palm tree, Shanequa, back to life. She got shocked after I repotted her. Anywho, baths are so healing to me. It’s where I get to feel so safe and just rebalanced while listening to some beautiful music. It’s literally just so perfect. All those who know me know just how much I love baths. I will take a bath whenever I get the chance! Then by the time, it’s 11, I’ll make my way out to the backyard because that’s when the sun gets warm. I’ll bring a blanket, books, journals, my speaker, weed essentials bag, my stiiizy, and whatever other activity stuff I’ll need. I’ll start off by setting an intention for my blunt/joint, smoke it up with Pepper, and close my eyes letting the sun completely recharge me. I LOVE meditating in the sun. When I’m outside, that’s when I just meditate to whatever I’m listening to. Somehow when I’m listening to music outside and I close my eyes, I don’t really hear the music and I can just focus on the sounds of the birds or just letting my thoughts come and go. The warm sun rays hug me so tight that I feel so safe and protected.  It’s like all my worries go away and I can just be in that very moment with no one disturbing me. 

After I finish up my activities outside, it’s usually 4pmish, that’s when the sun stops being as warm bc of the clouds and the wind picks up. That’s when I go in for family time bc that’s when they get home. Then I just chill and relax and do what my body feels like doing. I’ll eat, write, maybe take a nice nap. Americans, they forget to relax!

I wonder if people are as honest as I am. I really don’t like to lie, it makes me really anxious. I am literally my own karma talking to me and I’m always thinking things thru about how it can affect others and myself. I have a responsibility within myself to be upfront. For some reason, my brain took it as I’m over-analyzing it because what if I’m secretly a bad person trying to fake the honesty? But look, if I was a bad person, I wouldn’t be worrying about if I am or not, it would just be my normal. So that’s when I have to calm my mind and remind myself that I am a kind person and I don’t have to do much else but be myself which by default is incredibly generous and thoughtful. 

How am I going to get all my writings out into the world??

The fact that this next chapter of my life is sooooo unknown. Like I thought I knew but I really don’t know, it’s wild. But I’m enjoying it bc I have my faith in my spirituality to guide me thru these transitions and periods of unknown. Reminding me that I am always on the right path and that my soul always knows what it’s going to do. 

Now that I’m understanding bipolar disorder as a human being rather than what textbooks describe it as I feel like Da Vinci was bipolar and was just being his naturally creative self. He was creating in the way his soul wanted him to. He knew that he was meant to create and that’s just what he did. Yeah, sometimes he was difficult to “manage” but why the fuck are we trying to manage people anyways?? He had some really interesting ways of writing and had an interesting sleep schedule, he had to create when his brain was firing. It’s not a fucking “symptom” to not make money your only desire. Da Vinci knew that his art wasn’t about money, it was just about him transmuting all that creative juice in him out into the real world so that he could feel somewhat sane in this mad world. He didn’t procrastinate, he created and did what he had to do when he felt like it. That’s not procrastination. He was simply working on his own timeline as we all should since we all have literally different timelines bc we’re all different humans and we never know when we will die. 

My disorder is much more than what one line can say, “defined by a pattern of depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes, but not the full-blown manic episodes that are typical of Bipolar I Disorder.” https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml

I think all the doctors did for me last year was just make me feel even more confused about myself. AND THIS is coming from someone who grew up in a hospital. Doctors are my thing, I grew up trusting them because my mom works with them. But all they did was send me away with a new prescription after each visit. I am not broken.

I REALLY GREW UP THINKING EVERYONE HAS A MENTAL DISORDER LOL. Like Nah dude, it’s just you and a small percentage of other people.  😂

Ugh I really want to get scans (fMRI) of my brain. What parts of my specific brain are messed up? Trauma? Bipolar? Depression? 

7:33am I’m balancing. 

8:00am I freaking LOVE that I got this new number months ago because geeeeez, I really like protecting my energy. This one ex kept trying to come back into my life even after me blocking him. He really had the audacity to message me on my blog and mentioned how he had texted me but I didn’t answer. YEAH DUH BECAUSE I HAVE A NEW NUMBER LOL 😝 I am not aligned with texts from my ex’s, not for me!!! It’s just like ugh, I really did make a smart move by starting new. I’m so proud of myself. 

It’s so crazy I really do feel like my life is a movie. When I go out in public alone, I have a lot of anxiety right. I’m a girl and I’m brown, lol. I have to be aware at all times. Plus people, in general, are just weird soooo to make going out easier for me, I put my headphones on, put on some upbeat walkway music, and do what I have to do. I know people are looking, it’s what people do. I personally love people watching. Sadly as a girl with big titties, there are always people who don’t have self-awareness so they literally lock eyes onto my titties, make rude comments, or even fucking sticking their fucking tongue out. SO to help me control my anxiety, by having music playing I’m like “okay Alexis we can do this. We just have to get out of the car, walk confidently, and focus on ourselves. You can do this. I believe in you boo.” I give myself a pep talk every time I step out of my car. The social anxiety you know. An example of a song that I would play to keep my energy up as I step out into an environment with so many people not aware of the energy that they are expelling is “Super Freak” or “Mary Jane” by Rick James. So I’ll literally just pretend that I’m the main character and the song is my theme song and I freaking embody every word of the song. Because you know what! I am a super freak and I am so damn fine, from my head down to my toenails. Also Rick James, his music? Amazing. 

9:50am Honestly I just wish people would listen to me when I say I know what I’m doing. It drives me so insane when someone says I don’t know what I’m doing like dude, I’m self-aware and mindful, I know myself and I know what I can handle. I truly have always been connected to my intuition but I only ever felt crazy when people said I was wrong. But in the end, the situation played out and they should’ve just listened to me and my gut. Like ugh I know it’s so crazy to really trust anyone but trust me because I honestly do have everyone’s best interest in mind and I just freaking know things.

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9:56am It really makes me feel soooo good to remain calm in uncomfortable situations. At least when I can. For some reason, whenever things in my life are unknown, literally what gives me peace of mind is just knowing that if I continue down my path that I’m meant for, I will continue to make all my dreams come true. One of those dreams is having a strong loving family. Being a freaking amazing present mom to my kids. Supporting their dreams, watching them grow up into the person they are meant to be. Literally just helping souls evolve into well-developed humans who can uplift the vibrations of the world. 

10:02am. I don’t think it’s that I’m necessarily thinking about being with someone, I’m just thinking about the beautiful family that I’m going to create in the future. It’s been a dream of mine to have kids. I literally have dreams about my future kids. I already picked out their names too :’)

10:12a why does sexual appeal have to equate to someone’s relationship status? Can’t I just be sexy whether I’m single or in a relationship? I only have this body once!!! I’m only going to be THIS young once! I have a body, why not show it? We all have freaking human bodies, weirdos. 

10:16am not going to lie y’all, celibacy is hard. I have dreams, like dreammmsss, vivid dreams! I literally have dreams of my future partner and I. Isn’t that so wild?! It’s just like ugh, I have all this sexual energy, idk where it comes from but let’s call it some goddess energy that I have had to contain within myself and not use the same outlets as I had previously used before. I’ve transmuted this sexual energy into creative energy for my projects. It’s been so beautiful! *I just saw two birds walk in front of my window. Birds keep following me* But damn, you know not going to lie, I really miss getting lost in the energy that a divine person and I create together. It’s literally such a total alignment feeling, getting lost in the sauce. It’s the one time where I just stop thinking and focus on the real now. The crazy focus I get, I can’t even describe with 3D words because it’s a whole magical universe that I enter. 

10:28am the real REAL me is a total mess but what keeps me sane is weed. That’s me being so fucking honest with the world. I used to hide it in fear of people’s judgements but now I honestly don’t care. People are always going to have something to say. If they already have shit to say about me and they don’t even know what I do in my personal life, I can only imagine how they would treat me if they really spent time with me. People who are unhappy with their own lives are literally always the ones who gossip about others. What’s up with my own family wanting to gossip about me? It’s exhausting. And then they wonder why I keep to myself.

5:08pm Here I am in bed listening to music to heal my solar plexus chakra. I’m wearing this yellow sweater that my mom got me. It says, “beautiful shade of brown.” Which I really am! I wonder how I would describe my skin color other than caramel. Let me find out I can describe myself in a poetic way. Omg imagine. I might just surprise myself who knows. I’ve meditating since I was in middle school. But it wasn’t until last year that I took it seriously as a whole ass practice. And what this year of dedicated meditation has taught me is that time is precious and there is no need to rush to be anywhere. Just breathe and your intuition will talk to you. Now that I can’t develop my own film I am going back to polaroids. Which I also really prefer for my daily use because I love to glue them in my journals. I need to buy more polaroid film! Oh Alexis.

5:28p Throwback to the other month when some person tried to make a joke about my name being similar to Amazon Alexa’s. Like ugh please do not associate me with such a greedy money hungry man. Anyways, I love my name nonetheless. I thank the universe everyday my mom did not name me Amerika. That was not my destiny especially with my views concerning this country LOL.

 

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5:32pm Byron sent me the image below. This picture is exactly how I imagine meeeee as a mom. I love that the kids shirt says “cerebral liberty.” Cheers to healing the world.

5:39pm I’m cramping. A little overwhelmed. How does one decipher their intuition versus someone else’s intuition on whether or not to trust someone? This feels a little too much. What would help this anxiety go away? I’m just going to retreat and go within. Ugh Universe. I feel a little off now :/

XoXo,

Alexis Mariah

Here are some videos to get your brain stimulated: