Well It All Started In Santa Cruz
Hey Siri play “Big Momma Thang” by Lil’ Kim
**This one is a 18+ NSFW post**
I contemplated whether I wanted to share this or not and well, I do. A big middle finger to society and it being so uptight and acting as if most humans don’t engage in sexual activity. But for my family members, I do ask you to not read this LOL. I’m shy.
01/03/2020
I go to Descartes’s house on 12/30/19. He got me the most beautiful and big bouquet of flowers + a box of chocolates and a “thank you for coming” card. Who does that? Not a lot but I loved it and I deserve it. He also ate me out for the longest. I LOVE getting my pussy eaten, especially when they know what they’re doing to the point where my legs shake.
It’s now 12/31/19. He has work. He comes in the room, kisses my head and says, “Have a good day sweetie.” How sweet! He leaves for work. Oh yeah, I forgot makeup remover so he took me to Safeway to get one. I go hang out with Selena and her mans. We get pizza and go for a drive. I go back to his place (btw, wtf, he just lets me leave the door unlocked? YT people have balls). I put on my cute purple lingerie. He get’s home, I’m pretty sure we fucked. Oh yeah, the ****** wasn’t even really working. Then we get dressed. We go have dinner, then play mini golf. I was so nervous. I never really go on dates just for the simple fact that they are so nerve wrecking?!
Anyway, today is 1/05/20 lmao. Then after mini golf, we went back home. We watched that pope movie on Netflix. Then Kill Bill, my favorite. Drank champagne as well! Yo, then I got a badass migraine. one of my worst ones. All I could do was cry while he held me on the couch in the dark. It was sweet but embarrassing. The next day, Wednesday, we went for some breakfast then went to the Redwood Forest. *Yo. I got this all mixed up. I’m 99% sure I got my migraine on Thursday night. Wait. I had my migraine Wednesday (1/1), Thursday (1/2) was my last night. It was so sad. Thursday, Descartes worked. I went to Trader Joes to get groceries for dinner. I got nachos after. Went back, ate, got high, napped until Descartes came home. Damn, I really do love it when he leaves/comes home because he always manages to make me feel missed and kisses my forehead. LMAO. I got scared when I turned his oven on and opened it. Hella smoke came out and he had to disconnect the fire alarms, oops. We had a lovely dinner (tritip, pasta, asparagus, salad) + this wine that well, made me happy and horny. We kiss, then he just does this thing to my body. He asks if I’ll follow him to the room. We go, get naked. He puts his dick inside me (a shock) and he just tells me about how much he thought about me during the day. He fingers my pussy and ass (another shocker), he eats me out. He was making me edge. It was WILD. Neither of us finished but eh. Then we just talk. That was my last night. Wait then we go back to the living room, talk, cuddle, talk, go to the room. I just cry. I’m not happy about leaving at all. I just want to stay in that bliss forever. I deserve happiness. I forget all that was said but it was comforting nonetheless. He goes to bed. I stay up crying, writing him a 4-page letter. A mistake or not? Who knows. That was ballsy. But it just made me realize that if I really have feelings for him then I am a hopeless romantic and I can easily write them love letters. Anyways. Idk. It was a beautiful week. I can’t wait to get my film developed. Let’s see where this goes. I hope it lasts awhile. I like him and I’m finally letting my inner child heal. I’ll be writing about that next. Oof!
In conclusion, I love having an older aged man as a boyfriend. A wonderful kind generous man who puts me first without question + makes really good money and helps me financially, emotionally, supportive in every sense of the word. I am going to be single until someone I feel is right for me to “commit” to. Idk. I’m dating until I figure out what I want in a long term commitment (when I do have kids).
01/21/2020
Well! Things have changed since I last wrote in this. I’m supposed to be writing in this everyday but I need to find a way to do it where I don’t feel like I’m forcing myself to write, as if it’s a chore. Anyways, things to note that have happened since I last wrote:
Well, I saw Whiskey, finally. Literally, I think it’s been 1-2 years since I last saw him! Crazy. Anyways, he was in Vegas for a conference and he invited me out there so I went: Thursday night (1/9/20) to Saturday evening (1/11/20). So many inconveniences happened. My flight was delayed for 2 hours. I broke my glasses. Lost my AirPods case and my spare earphones weren’t working. I was late for my departure flight by 5 minutes and had to wait 3 hours for the next one (which was Whiskey’s flight with his boss, lol). That all went down but it’s fine, everything worked out in the end. I love hanging out with Whiskey. I just wish I saw him more often because we actually really get along. Btw, this is like the first time where I’ve felt really comfortable with Whiskey. More in the sense that I wasn’t nervous. It just felt like I was seeing an old friend. Yo but I do love having sex with him + how we cuddle at night & how he kisses me goodbye. I just wish we talked more often too but to be fair, he is busy. Anyway, my feelings for him sparked back up so I need to chill myself.
Aries and I went to LA. We literally ate the whole trip. It was fun. We just did what I wanted to do: nursery, museum, food, movies, driving. Anyways, now we aren’t talking because he fucking tried me. I don’t even want to write the details of what we fought about because I was hurt! And I’m pretty sure I will remember what words he said (1/1/20 I do remember what he said and I’m still hurt but I forgive that person).
Descartes and I barely talk. but to be fair, his brother is sick. I guess for me, I’m chill if I don’t talk to someone every day, but really only if I feel secure with him where I know they won’t leave me. If I’m unsure about where I stand with someone then I do get bothered if we don’t talk all the time/ if their texts just seem like they’re uninterested. But yeah, idk. I just wish things really worked out with Descartes because I really do like him as a romantic partner. I guess we’ll just see where the world and time take us.
Things with Capricorn ended in such an ugly way + complicated. He’s just so immature and really doesn’t care about my feelings. But whatever, I know I didn’t want him to be my boyfriend ever.
1/1/2021
When I read these two journal entries, all I could do was laugh. Oh Alexis. She was just trying to find someone to give her love to. Now she’s happily giving all that love to herself. Celibate, single, and feeling more alive than ever. My energy is mine and it isn’t being mixed up with unsure energies. I am so fucking at peace y’all. That trip to Santa Cruz was life-changing though. It was the first time in a long time, if ever, where I decided to simply do something for the pure enjoyment of mine alone. I put Alexis first and boy did I do that with confidence. As much as it bothers me sometimes that strangers stare at me, it really doesn’t phase me as much when I’m just in the moment doing meeeeeeee, and also when I have someone’s arm to hold on to, it makes me feel safer. Ever since that trip, I have chosen to do everything only if it brings me pure joy. Best choice ever I must say. Also for a long time, my whole life, I really kept my “type” a secret because I already know how society is. So this is me just announcing my “type” to the world so I can stop being a little bitch about it and actually own up to it because damn, my type makes me so incredibly happy. And my happiness is the most important thing to me. Plus, people always want to make my type be associated with “daddy issues.” Please. I have known my type since I first saw Richard Gere and Patrick Dempsey, lol!
