Hey Siri, play “It’s a Wrap” by Mariah Carey & Mary J. Blige

*For all my ladies <3 Especially the women in my family who have dealt with countless men who don’t contribute to mutual support & love*

Chances are if you’re reading this, then I’m doing better off without you. I hope you find what you need in this lifetime… Thankfully it ain’t me!

I’ve found what I needed, and it’s me! Though it has taken me 24 years (25 in June) to get here, I fucking made it. I conquered my greatest fear, being alone. Being by myself allowed me to reflect and connect to my own soul. I think my fear of being alone is rooted in being invalidated by people I thought cared about me.

I ended up seeking out that validation from people like you who just wanted to lay me down, rather than pick me up. Within myself, I created something out of the ordinary. What began to grow in me was a love for all the parts of me that I was too scared to embrace. I never knew a love of this caliber could exist! The fairytales need to talk about the princess trying to solve the mystery of her altered perception of the world. And how that perception has a big part in her choosing inadequate lovers.

I’m taking my self-love and riding it into my sweet future! I’m not exactly sure what my future holds for me, but I’m sure it’s great. I do know that I love my present moment and all that’s in front of me. My own doing (my karma) is sweet, gentle, and genuine. Yet adventurous and fun. Maybe I will always be the girl who didn’t believe her life was worth living. But now, I trust myself. I learned that life can get significantly better. Somehow, someway, I am getting up every day to be a better me.

To my dismay, becoming better included coming out from under the shell of delusions. This shell was a home I made for myself. It became a reliable place of serenity, tranquility, and hope. I was protected from the falling pieces of life. Ultimately, life showed me that I could take the shell off to catch those falling pieces. With those fallen pieces of life, I built a foundation of love and care for myself. As comfortable as that shell was, I realized it was only limiting my movement forward.

When I took that shell off, life felt lighter. Not only was life doable, but it also became something that I wanted to take part in. I’m able to stand tall on this foundation and embrace all that life has to offer me. I have to admit, I have to remind myself to breathe when I overthink life. I sometimes can get lost in the complexities, trying to solve the issue of a guy, not reciprocating interest and only contacting me when it’s convenient. But alas, human connection is easier when I let go of control and pour energy into those that pour back into me.

Showing up for myself reminds me that if someone wants to be in my life, they would make the effort. They can tell you all the things you want to hear, and it won’t be enough. Why? Because there is no action to support their word! I guess I fell so easily for empty words and plans simply for the fact that the connection was rushed. I was scared to lose it and thrilled to have it, I held on super tight. I didn’t give these subpar men the time to show me who they really were, someone not for me! Welp, that’s the past and I am SO ready for better things. I’m grateful for the peace of mind I give myself 🙂

XoXo,

Alexis Mariah (Gucci)